Light on the horizon

Life has been emotionally challenging in the past month. As a result I have spent entirely too much time in my apartment, unable to summon the energy to do something with my day.

Tonight I decided that's that. If I'm going to get out of this funk I've got to do it myself. I cannot wait for things to get better for my mood to improve. Mainly because it could extend a very long time. And each day I feel bits of myself slipping away.

So I'm reclaiming my life. Tomorrow I'm going to do something with my day, and I'm going to enjoy it. The same thing goes for the next day, and the day after that.

Sometime along the course of nine weeks of unemployment I think I lost myself. Not completely, and I'm sure saying that makes me sound exceptionally melodramatic, but I think I did. I lost the part of myself that hoped and dreamed and believed that things would work out, believed in myself. But I'm going to find her. I simply cannot live this way anymore. Enough is enough.

Fall Longing

picture via google images

For some reason I have a strange hankering for fall. It's not because of July heat, this year has been surprisingly mild considering I live in an area legendary for it's humidity. And by mild I mean it's just wow-it's-hot-outside, not it's-so-hot-if-i-don't-get-to-air-conditioning-soon-i-will-die. (aside: i think the latter phrase is in passive voice, but somehow i made it through 16 years of schooling without fully grasping the concept of passive voice).

I digress. The point is I am longing for fall. I am longing for that first snap of cold in the air, for changing leaves, for the vague smell of burning wood. I crave football games, halloween, perfectly ripe apples and fat pumpkins.

Fall has always meant new beginnings for me more than January 1. Fall means school starts. Fall means new clothes, new school supplies, new transitions like going to high school for the first time and college for the first time. It also constitutes the very best time of the school year, a time when I have fallen in love with my classes but not had any real assignments due yet.

Some of my best memories land in fall. Meeting new friends and teachers, witnessing the end of another hot summer, celebrating harvest holidays and attending football games. Oh, the football games. My otherwise mediocre high school experience was punctuated by the white-hot thrill of football games. While most of my friends were wondering aloud if we could go home at halftime, I was over the moon about the crowds and the game and the fact boys look so darn cute in uniforms. My heart still flutters just thinking about those games.

I was lucky to have a semi-rural upbringing. There were always plenty of hayrides and corn mazes, and the deep forests that surrounded my town were doused in the prettiest oranges and yellows.

Maybe what I love about fall is the predictability. Fall always meant the same thing: another school year. Aside from minor details, they largely played out the same. This upcoming fall will be the first fall where I do not have any more school. And my heart hurts. I don't long for fall as much as I long for the predictability. They say children thrive on routine, and I cannot agree more. Even though I am far from childhood, I still wish for routine. But don't we all, no matter how old or young we are?

I'm sure I will feel the same when I get to January and don't have to start another semester, and May when I don't have the deliciously lazy summer laid out in front of me.

But there is beauty in longing. In not knowing what comes next. Because for better or worse, I get to create my routines from here on out. Life is a blank canvas. Our only real jobs is to live this beautiful god-given life to the fullest. It may be endlessly scary, but oh, it is beautiful.

Or maybe there is no deeper psychological meaning. Maybe I just like fall. And maybe I am just another person knee-deep in summer wishing for a little cold and a little color.

For now, I wait, and feel lucky for the memories I have collected in the first quarter of this little life.

I'm going home.

The first thing I'm going to do (after saying hi to the family, of course) is get chicken noodle soup in a bread bowl from panera. YUM

Then I'm going to go to the store and buy succulent watermelon from the grocery store. We have watermelon in the grocery store here, but city watermelon is never quite as fresh as country watermelon. (Even if it is the same chain of grocery stores)

I think my favorite thing about going home is the endless food possibilities. That and waking up in the morning and coming down stairs to another living, breathing human being. Living alone is NOT all it's cracked up to be. trust me

Then I'm going to check out my Dad's vast book collection while snuggling with the family cat.

Then I guess I'll think about unpacking the array of goods I have collected from one whole (calendar) year in the same sweet apartment.

p.s. I totally fell in love with a cute blue-eyed boy on the train today. I even went so far as thinking about how we'd meet every day at the train station after work and then go make dinner together or something equally cute. I think life in my head is a lot more romantic than real life, but I refuse to give up hope.

You're Gonna Miss This

The title of this post is what I have to keep reminding myself. I am in a rush to start my life, to move on to the next step. I am limited at the moment, but I want action. I want a new apartment and a new boyfriend and a new baby (not all at once, of course) but for now I have to be content to be alone.

Because one day life is going to be crazy, and I am going to look back and wish for the days when I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I am insanely lucky, even if it is insanely hard to see sometimes.

life is beautiful

Lately I feel like I'm spinning. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. The world seems a little crazy, and I feel a little nauseous.

Even when I'm in pain, or scared, or stressed, I keep reminding myself of the gifts I have. I have abundant free time. I have no schedule. I can openly explore the world (well, at least my little section of it) without worrying about deadlines or schedules or the million other things that have sat in the back of my mind for the past several years of my life. I get to see the sunrise in my window every morning. I get to spend time with my dear friends.

Of course, these opportunities also yield time-wasting. When you have all the time in the world to do something, it's hard to not take the time for granted. Many afternoons I realize I have spent several hours flipping through the same old television stations.

So I am resolving to get up and move. Every day, I want to do something new. Explore something, create something, enjoy something.

I need to make the best of the gifts that come with the ebbs and flows of my life.

To enjoy the very fact I get to spin.

Worry

Tonight I'm up late thinking.

Thinking about things that have happened. I just watched a music video on TV that featured a couple in love. Memories flooded back, of times when I felt so much and expressed so little. I think of boys I used to date, remembering all those nights I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear as I lay next to them. I would give anything to have those moments back. To touch them and kiss them and attempt to open my heart enough so they could see the overflowing emotions locked inside my soul. I want to smile more and hold their hand more and just...more.

During those moments I could never be content to enjoy the beauty of love. Instead, I would be worried. Worried about what it meant. Worried about what it didn't mean. Worried about showing myself too much and being rejected. Worried that he was using me in some way or another. Worried about so much more than I can fully illustrate in a blog entry.

Alas, I cannot go back in time. But the thoughts are making me realize that I must live life to the fullest. As cliche as the expression is, all I can do is throw myself wildly into every moment. Because worrying is largely useless. And because I truly believe that one of the chief things other people deserve is ourselves; fully, happily, lovingly.

It's hard for me to not get caught up in the worries. They are plentiful, especially right now. But just like all those days and nights of my youth, I will look back fondly on these days. And I won't remember what happened or why it happened or why I was so worried, but I will remember the simple things. The feel of a boy's skin on my fingertips. The lazy days of early summer. Giggling over lunch with my friends. Making ridiculous poses for a camera. These sweet, little moments that will become bright spots on my memory often fall by the wayside in the muck of stress and worry for the future.

Worry has a place in life. In some ways it is what makes us move forward in an organized fashion. It is, sometimes, what allows things to get done. But by and large, all worrying does is cloud my emotions. And that is entirely useless. Besides, God has a plan for me, a plan I don't need to understand.

Instead of worrying, I want to enjoy. I want to enjoy the sticky hot late-spring days, laughing with my family, appreciating the wealth of blessings I have been given. Because at the end of the day, it's what matters most.

I don't want to lose sight of things as they are happening anymore. I want to live fully, to enjoy every breath, to laugh more, to kiss more, to just love more.

My favorite bible quote.

I have a page-a-day bible calendar. I love it, each passage is inspiring and seems to apply to my day. It gets me through, especially since each passage is accompanied by an absolutely beautiful photograph.

I ripped off today's page in preparation for tomorrow, and lo and behold, my favorite quote!

"Dear children, let us love, not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

Life is so, so short. I constantly need reminder to love in action rather than in words. Because actions, they speak louder than words.

There ain't no place here on this earth I'd rather be, why would I leave?*

Oh boy, how do y'all keep up this blogging thing? I can't think of new things to write half the time. Maybe I should start making a list of topics.

I graduate in approximately two weeks, without any real concrete plans for the future except that I want to stay in the city I'm in. Sometimes I think about moving to a new place, seeing a different part of the world. I would love to move to a place that looks something like this:

I took these pictures on my spring break roadtrip from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles. I *think* they are all from when we were still driving through Utah. The last might be California or Nevada.

The top one is, I think, Emigration Canyon. The cleft in the mountains from where my ancestors came across the nation and settled. Being in Utah always makes me wish I could go back in time to when this land was new and flat. I can only imagine what it must have been like to look across the wide expanse of the valley onto all this gorgeous, untouched land. No wonder they decided that it was the place. It looks like God's country out there. Like he individually crafted every peak and placed every tree for maximum beauty. It's still beautiful today, but the buildings diminish it a bit. Still beautiful though.

Anyway, I would love to move there someday. But for now, my life is in this city. I love this city. I want to grow old and raise my babies in the suburbs of this city. I want to take my children camping up in the hills and go on romantic dates with my husband to the opera. There is, quite literally, no place I'd rather be. So why would I leave?

*Song by Ashley Monroe

i love this quote

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." - Romans 8:26

Sometimes it's hard to see that our prayers are answered, because they aren't always answered how we want them to be. But I think there are blessing aplenty in everyone's life.

Sweet Spring Saturday

Picture that entire grassy expanse full of people, food sellers, and tents set up for a variety of purposes, most of them educational in nature. My University was hosting an event called [State] Day (I'm omitting what school I go to, but a few sleuths will probably figure it out anyway with this picture I posted).

The event was a blast! Hot dogs, Sno Cones, making homemade Gak, cool giveaways, it couldn't have been better. I spent the rest of the day shopping with a dear friend, and some mexican dinner. After we parted ways in the oppressive heat, I went on an errand and a thunderstorm came in! The cool air and heavy smell made my night ever so lovely.

Wait it out. No, seriously, wait it out.

I went to a workout class for the first time in months, possibly years. After my last attempt at a workout class, I went through a running phase, but I think I like classes better because you are forced to work for an hour or so rather than giving up after twenty minutes because your lungs are screaming at you and there's no one around to tell you to keep going.

The workout class was a step class. Seemed easy enough, I'm in reasonable shape, and the step box didn't seem so intimidating. I was fine for the first fifteen or twenty minutes, even enjoying it. The steps were hard, but I figured them out soon enough.

Then we got to about twenty-five minutes.

My heart was pounding. Sweat accumulating. Every inch of my body begged, pleaded for me to stop. I seriously considered walking out, but with twenty other people there including two friends, I knew I needed to keep going. A brief reprieve at the half-time mark allowed me a trip to the water fountain, refreshing my body and spirit. But it wasn't so far into the second half when I was pushing myself again, as the steps got harder and my knees started to ache from overwork.

And then it happened.

I got to that place. Runner's high, they call it. Maybe it was the right song coming through the stereo system, or the promise of finishing in less than one-quarter hour, but something clicked over. I began to enjoy the steps, I began to want more. Another part of my mind drifted to happy thoughts. I was in the zone. Sure, my body still ached, and I still wanted to be finished, but my endorphins were running high. I thought about all the happy moments of the day and the week and my life. I thought about the happy moments of my future. With my energy level high, I got to thinking about plans I wanted to make and I feel like I was reinfused with a desire for better things, something I've been lacking in the past week or so of virtually sleepless nights.

I'm already planning on next week's class, and a few more classes in between.

I think I'm going to like this working out thing after all.

I'm a winner!

I won my first ebay auction today.

!

I've been trying to win an auction for weeks. I recently realized that you can get cheap yet cute jewelry on ebay for a much better price than they sell them in the stores. However, bidding is like a full-time job. Especially when auctions run several days and you happen to be the owner of a particularly impatient brain.

I began to look bleakly at this whole online auction business. Too much for me, I said. I'll just have to settle for the over-priced instant gratification of store bought jewelry.

And then I won something!

Sometimes life is good. Really good.

Life in slow motion

Last week I said I was going to start all my blog entries with lyrics and then I wrote like 5 entries in a row with nary a one lyric. Silly me.

My mind works in music videos. As in, when I think about the future or the past it's usually some poetic 4-minute vignette that fits with whatever song is on my ipod. Sometimes I listen to songs over and over until I've edited and directed and clipped all the thoughts into an organized verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus pattern that fits the lyrics. I think it's my own rudimentary form of self-therapy, because I get a little cranky when I go too long without having time to zone out on my ipod. It's not even my own thoughts I do this to; I do the same thing when people tell me their life stories, or something I'm learning about in my umpteen history courses, or a movie I saw or a book I read (yes, I was overjoyed when YouTube came out and I could look at fan-made videos to my heart's content, and no, I've never made one. I'm not good with fancy technology).

Nothing makes me happier than music that fits my life/someone else's life/a fictitious life.

There are only a few songs that can blanketly cover a variety of situations. One of them is the title of this entry. "Slow Motion" by David Gray. They (ironically) only had homemade/fanmade videos of this song on YouTube, but check this version out:

Now, if only these songs magically played in the background at life's most heartfelt moments. I feel like life would be a lot easier to deal with if it was accompanied by perfectly chosen music.

Grace in Small Things: 4 of 365

1. Conversations with people that are as passionate as you are about a particular topic.

2. Getting to dress up for interviews. It knocks the edge off the nervousness. Somewhat.

3. Care packages.

4. High heels.

5. Walking in the rain, with an umbrella of course.

crafty sunday

after a handful of warm days we had rain. rain rain rain. but the good thing was, we also did crafts! i made this totally rad box:

I don't know what I'm going to do with said box, but I just think it's totally adorable. Maybe I should start a box-making business.

I also experimented with some lip color:

Ignore the fact it's a bit rough around the edges. I still think it's a pretty lil color. It makes me feel classy and timeless.

All in all a pretty sweet weekend!!

Deoxyribonucleic acid

"When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." -Joyce Brothers

I take after my grandmother in a lot of ways. We both have the same color blue eyes, we're both short, we both laugh at inappropriate times, we're both quiet and feel awkward sometimes, we both love God, we both love this guy:

swoon-worthy Frank Sinatra

I've known my whole life that I want a life just like hers. A young marriage, a big family, forty-five years in the same home. A strong conviction and a place where children always feel loved. I feel so blessed to have her in my life as an example for what I want and how to be. Maybe I'll never be exactly like her, and in many ways I will gladly be my own person, but it feels good to have an unwavering knowledge of how I want my life to play out.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my faults. There are days when nothing I do is right and I can't quite figure out what I'm doing here on earth. But then I remember that I've got coded in my DNA the spirit of my grandmother and hundreds of generations of women that didn't always feel like everything was right but did the best they could. What weaves us together are a series of inherited traits and characteristics that make us beautiful in the eyes of God. And even if I have a million and one faults, I've got inherited, innate goodness. And for that I am worthy. It is my God-given gift to carry on these traits and spread the gifts in my soul as far and wide as I can. Hopefully, one day God will send me my own babies and I will rock them to sleep and whisper in their ears how lucky they are to carry in their blood and hearts the legacy of their ancestors.

Love

Sometimes I see married couples, or couples in long term relationships, and I wonder,

How do they know how to act? How do they know how to act in private and how to act in public? Was it something learned when they were thirteen or fourteen, when a boy wouldn't look at me with anything other than disinterest or disdain? Is it something you read about in a book? Will I ever feel comfortable in a relationship?

Tonight it occurred to me that I have nothing to be afraid of. Because I think that nobody really knows what they are doing. We operate on love, just as we operate on crimson-red blood. Love is pumping through our brains and our hearts and our spirits. It is the one thing we are equipped with by God. Sure, some of it is learned, but it's mostly just there.

And I think that when you do fall in love, your body falls in step. You dance a dance you've never danced before, executing almost all of the steps with ease and grace. That's not to say we don't fail, but we do the best we can, and I think that in and of itself is graceful. You just know.

spring has sprung!

This picture is pretty much what it looked like outside today. After two days of solid rain, the sun came out to vast patches of the brightest, lushest green grass you've ever seen. To top it off, the sky was the most beautiful shade of blue, not a cloud in sight. These are the days they write songs about.

Walking back from class I passed a patch of purple wildflowers over a patch of green grass, and the natural colors looked so beautiful together against the backdrop of the woods. There is nothing more beautiful than the blooming of a new season.

Spring has sprung, and so has my soul.

*image from google images.

Grace in Small Things: 3 of 365

I won't be doing this every other post. I just like it lately.

Anyway, here goes:

1. A gorgeous new graduation dress from Anthropologie

2. Missing the worst of the rainstorm

3. Getting to go to my favorite smoothie place!

4. Feeling pretty for the first time in a while

5. Fun weekend plans to look forward to!

be a light to the world.

I'm having a lot of fun with picnik. This is another quote from a Philosophy product. I really really love their quotes. I'm sure you'll see more on this blog as time goes by.

One of the simplest but most delightful pleasures in my life is pens. Not the fancy ones, just the twelve-pack bics or something. I take so many notes, so I like when the words just flow right from my hand without my letters looking sloppy. Today my favorite blue pen ran out in the middle of a test. I had another one handy but I mourned the loss of my favorite pen. Que sera, sera.

In unrelated news, my hair recently got long enough for me to pull it into a ponytail after seven long months of a sweet little bob. I loved my short hair, but man do I like ponytails. Especially when I'm having an unfavorable hair day.

To add further to the randomness of this post, I don't think there's anything Taylor Swift can write that is bad. She could probably write about...well, blue pens and ponytails and it would sound so pretty. Not to mention she's got a killer head of hair. Blonde and curly, the antithesis of my head.

...well, at least my hair doesn't puff up on rainy days. that's the one blessing of stick-straight hair.

One song I really like is "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift. My favorite line is "'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them" it's so true. At that age everything is life or death and you are so sure that what you feel is true love sent straight from God. Seriously, listen to that song. It reads almost verbatim of my freshman year of high school. I look back on that time fondly, because everything was so new and exciting. As much pain as there was, when it was good, oh it was good. I'm glad to have the experiences I did.

I've been having trouble lately keeping my head above water, for reasons not worth mentioning in my blog about positivity. The reason I say this is because I recognize some of my posts are going nowhere and aren't particularly blogworthy, but I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel. So please bear with me as I desperately try to cling on to the beauty in life.

Grace in Small Things: 2 of 365

1. Sunshine.

2. Impromptu dinner dates.

3. Good music. Any music, really.

4. Overcooking my lunch and realizing it tasted even BETTER overcooked. It was crispier.

5. Latte bowls from Anthropologie. They make eating so much more fun. (I had really boring bowls before.)

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall*

Hey check out my new header!! Okay, totally not that exciting but I've never made a header before. I'm quite proud of myself. I made it on picnik. That's my mouth, which I guess is obvious, but just thought I'd clear that up.

Happy Easter everyone! I had a really awesome day. It didn't involve any eggs, bunnies, or plastic grass...but it was great. I'm happy. I hope everyone got their fill of chocolate and marshmallow.

I've had such a good time lately exploring where I live. I feel really lucky to be able to spend time in such a great place with so many great options for what to do that don't involve the normal college fare of too much alcohol and too much suggestive dancing (aaand now I sound about 30 years older than I am.) I've been all over, and not had

to spend a dime. Well, I haven't HAD to spend any money, but I did buy these totally rad shoes at 70% off (in black and white to save you from my super pale legs):

And I had a vanilla scone from Starbucks, one of those little ones that don't make you feel too guilty. Come to think of it, I don't think I've had anything I didn't like from Starbucks. No wonder they have about 50 million stores.

*The title of this entry is lyrics from "Better than a Memory" by Kenny Chesney. I am so bad at picking my own titles especially when I'm constantly listening to music, so I think I will just use music all the time. But I'll write the artist, to give them credit for their ability to string together words better than I can :-) Anyway, I'm considering a major change in my life. I don't want to be too specific yet, but I'll write it when I'm good and ready. Anyway, I've been bad about doing something about this potential change. Based on other events in my life, I'm worried it will be a terrible decision. So I'm leaning, but I'm bound to fall, because I've been mulling it over for months now and I'm more and more certain that it's the right decision. We'll have to see what happens.

Friday I'm in Love

I went to the local art gallery today. It was warm outside, and the gallery was blissfully quiet (it's normally quite crowded.) I wandered about, falling in love with art and my city all over again. The evening ended with dinner at my favorite restaurant with close friends.

After dinner we went to Target, and I managed to not spend any money, which, I don't think I've ever entered a Target without spending money. I love that store.

One of the best things about today was that it was one of those days where I realize that I am doing what I want to do and that is enough. There are 100 things I could pick apart about today, but instead I think I'll just be proud that I did what I wanted to do, and I didn't feel bad about it.

I'm learning to love my life. It's a slow process, and hard, because I have spent much of my youth wishing to have any life but my own. But I really do love my life. Really.

Further indication I was born in the wrong decade.

As a preface, I am a history major. I have spent the last four years of my life entirely devoted to, and entirely in love with, history. But it makes you wish you could go back and live during those times. Except, there is one thing I like about living right now. 2 words: Indoor plumbing.

Anyway.

I really like Claude Debussy's music. It's so beautiful and romantic and timeless. It makes me wish I could go back in time 100 years and be in a big ballroom with a gorgeous dress on sitting next to a handsome man in a tux while the piano music floats across the floorboards. I want to go home in a carriage, the music still playing in my ears, and shut off the gas lights before going to bed. I want to write hand-written letters and have tea parties and go through long walks through gardens with parasols.

I want my life to be a scene out of The Age of Innocence. It seems so romantic.

Until a time machine is invented, I will sit here and listen to the music and imagine all the lovely things that history has to offer.

Grace in Small Things: 1 of 365

I'm trying out this new thing...it's apparently every day for 365 days, but I am woefully bad at keeping up with things like that, so I will get to 365 eventually, but it won't be in 365 days. Anyway, here goes:

1. Today, I carried a little bowl of syrup to my desk and it fell on my computer. Thankfully, it rolled off and upright before any syrup dripped out. Sometimes my clumsiness ends well.

2. At Subway, the lady accidentally put mayo on my sandwich when I didn't want it. I brushed it off, thinking what's done is done, I'm not allergic to it or anything, but they made a new one anyway.

3. I got more of my paper written today than I thought I would.

4. I thought I was going to miss the bus today, but it ended up being late, so I was able to catch it.

5. I was able to catch a show I wanted to watch. I chronically lose track of time and miss things.

The post where I turn into a fangirl.

I'm in my twenties. The years where I could get obsessed with a celebrity are behind me.

However, did you know how adorable Jackson Rathbone is?

Check it:

I noticed him in Twilight. I (entirely inadvertently, I swear) saw that movie in the theater more times then I should have. As much as I love the series, seeing it more than once makes your eyes wander. Especially if there's a guy like Jackson as a supporting character! Even if he's only on screen for about 30 seconds! Besides, rough-around-the-edges guys are more attractive to me. Robert Pattinson is cute and all, but I've got eyes for the scruffy man above.

(I am officially embarrassed by this post. But I'm still going to hit publish. Apparently I have no shame.)

I live approximately 3000 miles from him. I was in California recently, but I have enough sense about me to not stalk him (and, for what it's worth, I do have my own life, even if this blog entry isn't making that case) I'm not an actor. I will never in this natural life meet him. But here, tonight, on this blog, I admit to having a huge crush on him.

(Let's pray he doesn't ever stumble across this blog.)

*picture from google images.

Well.

March was a wash. April is a new month, therefore I will bring more posts! Promise!

What to say?

I haven't written much this month. I am at an impasse with where to go with this journal. I don't have any readers, but I want more. For some reason most of the blogs I happen upon are married mothers, which I am not. I am not even seeing anyone, for crying out loud.

However, every time I read blogs I itch to write. I have had the writing itch since I was eight years old. Maybe this blog isn't about readership, but about my own love of writing, however the form. This happens to be the easiest with my somewhat hectic college lifestyle. I need to stop living in fear of someone I know reading this. I just need to write.

Come to think of it, I have been thinking of a lot of things I need to do lately, but I never seem to get around to doing them. Tonight, I am resolving to do the things I need to do.

Mountains.

This is what my Spring Break looked like. What did yours look like?

songs = my life

Okay y'all, I am absolutely obsessed with "What Heaven Sees in You" by Mindy Gledhill. It makes me get choked up every time I hear it. Every time.

there are a couple of lines in the song that really speak to me:

child of great worth, child of promise, daughter of the divine

I think it's easy, especially at great times of transition in life, to forget your own worth. You get swallowed up in all the fears and insecurities. But this lyric reminds me that there is so much promise and love in my life, and that I will be okay.

and the father looked down, and the angels surrounded that place

they knew the truth, all that you could do

Certain experiences in my life have made me wonder if anyone was really happy when I was born. Well someone was: God. For a girl that never got the feeling that anyone cared, it's incredibly powerful to know that someone loves me, that someone is watching out for me, that someone was so happy that I was born.

and you will too, if you have eyes to see what heaven sees in you

Like any young adult, I wonder why I'm here, what my purpose is. I constantly get caught up in comparisons and feel I don't measure up. But I do have worth, because everyone on this earth has worth. I just need to see...well, what heaven sees in me. I wouldn't still be around if there wasn't a reason, if God didn't have a plan for me. I just need to trust him.

do you understand who you are?

part of the father lives in you

and if you continue on this path

every promise God has given will come true

This also relates back to my lack of feeling any worth for myself. But I am a person with a soul and a heart and I am part of the fabric of humanity, and I was created in God's image, as we all were. I constantly think I'm not important, because it's easy to feel small in such a big world, but I am important. God lives in me, and has a plan for my life. The idea that I'm not just here for me, but to do God's work, makes me feel good. I personally do not believe that God's work is just preaching or missionary work, but also being a good person and showing love and living each day in a way that you can be proud of.

In a nutshell, this song makes me feel like a whole person again. And it's exactly what I need right now.

Love Month, Day 28: Love is...

Okay. So we all know the whole "love is patient, love is kind..." bible verse. But what else is love?

Love is smiling when you don't feel like smiling but because the other person deserves a smile. Love is giving away the last piece of your favorite dessert. Love is taking the time to make yourself happy. Love is being willing to die so another person can live. Love is inside every one of us. Love is what keeps our faith alive, despite the most tragic of circumstances. Love is buying a spontaneous gift because you know it'll make the person smile. Love is opening up the gates inside of ourselves and letting someone else in. Love is knowing someone's flaws and loving them anyway. Love is knowing you can tell someone anything and they won't judge you. Love is a smile in a crowded room. Love is following your heart, no matter what. Love is those chance moments that work in our favor. Love is doing something when you aren't asked. Love is more important than anything. Love is honoring the memory of a lost loved one. Love is not fear. Love is laughter. Love is a blinding blue sky. Love is the pure smile of a baby. Love is letting people know how you feel. Love is saying you're sorry even if you aren't. 

Love is, quite literally, all around.

Love Month, Day 27: Remember?

Only one more day left in the month. I don't think I'll have a theme next month. Some days I didn't feel like writing about one particular topic.

Music plays a very big role in my life. I have a song for virtually every moment in my life. Walking to class with my ipod in, I fit memories to songs I listen to. In this respect I think I was meant to be a film director. Or maybe a music video creator. I would make one heck of a montage.

One song that has particular importance to me is "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. It's a song about a couple's life together. I like to play videos in my mind of my grandparent's marriage, and my parent's, even though I wasn't there for 90% of the scenes I think about. So I guess it's more romantic than fact. 

I also think about it in terms of one particular boy that is now gone from my life. Two-thirds of the lyrics don't apply, but I really just get stuck on the line "remember when?" He was there through some of the most painful times in my life. We had a very Noah-and-Allie from the Notebook relationship. We probably fought as much as we got along, but there's a certain beauty in fighting. Because fighting brings up such emotion. And because most of our fights were because we were too much alike. There were times when I thought I'd marry him, because we fit so seamlessly into each other's lives. It was the first time loving someone felt as natural as breathing. I don't know that I loved him in the traditional sense, but that previous sentence doesn't carry the same weight if I said "liking him felt as natural as breathing".

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is, he had a significant role in my life. There was pain, but there was a lot of joy. 

Sometimes I think about seeing him on the street in twenty years. He'd have his own life, and I'd have mine, and we'd both be happy with where we were. I would sincerely smile at him and laugh, saying, "Remember when?"

Love Month, Day 26: Young Love

"when we ran like wild horses through the night, sticking to the backroads and staying out of sight, making the most out of what little time we had left, how sweet it is, how sweet it was, young love" - Carter's Chord

As I grow older, I look back with more and more sentiment about my younger years. I wouldn't want to go back and relive them, but there were so many sweet memories that were so scary at the time...sneaking out of the house...driving with the headlights off...sneaking kisses in that park behind the woods. I remember when everything felt so new and exhilarating.

While first times cannot be redone, but I hope I can hold onto that feeling the older I get. You know the feeling, the one that came after all those scary moments, when your heart starts fluttering and you can't believe you are lucky enough to be alone with this boy. 

I'm an impasse between that teenage excitement and the more adult relationships and possible (hopeful!) marriage in my future. I was lucky back then, the experiences I got. I really do feel like a lucky person. I believe--or at least I have faith--that that luck will continue throughout my life.

Love Month, Day 25: Sing it, Otis

I am madly, crazily in love with Otis Redding. A few months after my love affair developed, I discovered he died in 1967 at the age of 26. Plane crash. 

I cried. 

Anyway. It's music like his that make me want to slow dance with someone. My husband better like Otis Redding, because we will be slow-dancing in the kitchen after dinner many a night. In that same kitchen, I want to teach my sons to slow dance. I want them to remember the smell of dish soap and my perfume when they dance with their daughters in their own kitchens.

(I have an overactive imagination.)

I want to hold on to these little things that are important to me. I want to remember to dance. I know my dreams will happen someday, in some shape. I just know in about 5 years I'm going to be slow dancing in a kitchen with the man of my dreams, and I'm going to cry. Because when my dreams come true, my heart right done explodes in my chest. 

These aren't big dreams, but most of my dreams aren't. My biggest dreams are wrapped up in tiny moments. I want to dance in the kitchen. I want to sing lullabies. I want the most simple and yet sublime life imaginable. I want barbecues in the summer and boisterous Christmas mornings. I want to cook my husband dinner every night, not because it's the woman's job but because I want to. I don't want stardom or wild success or a million friends. I just want a quiet little life in a quiet little town filled with quiet little moments that make me cry. I want to be happy with whatever comes my way.

I sincerely believe my dreams are going to come true. Because really, what other option is there other than wholeheartedly believing in your dreams?

Love Month, Day 23: Time, time, time

It's late. 

It's actually the 24th, even though I wrote day 23. It's only been day 24 for 17 minutes. Cut a girl some slack. 

I should have been asleep 17 minutes ago, too. But alas I can't sleep. It happens sometimes. It's strange how, even when I live alone, I can notice when I'm up past my bedtime and that quiet comes over the world. I've spent most of my life with this time alone. My body and sleep are not the best of friends. I always think it'll be good when I have my babies, because I don't need much sleep.

(I'm sure I'll regret those words when the day comes though.)

A lot of times I think about how such and such a task or such and such an aspect of my personality will be useful when I get married and have children. I know that such thoughts are useless, and that I put too much stock in future happiness and not present happiness. 

I don't know that that is true. I think I'm just ready to have my own life. It's strange how certain changes are slow and yet fast. A few years ago, I would have wanted nothing more than to go home to my parents. Now, I want my own life. I don't know when the change happened, but oh boy, it happened. I can't wait to build a house and build love and just be.

It all takes time, I suppose. But I am impatient. And sleepless. Restless, maybe.

Love Month, Day 19: Love and Happiness

All I want in my life is love and happiness.

I think it's all I ever wanted.

Sometimes I easily forget that in order to get those things we must give. We must give love to get love. We must...well we don't need to give happiness to get it, but a certain percentage of being happy is actively deciding to be happy.

Let this post be the living testament of me remembering those things.

Love Month, Day 18: ?

I don't know what I love today.

But I feel compelled to write every day this month.

So, today is the day of the unknown love. 

Love Month, Day 17: Loving one another.

Today in art history (oh, how I love art history. but I suppose that's for another post) we were looking at this ol' piece:

Isenheim Altarpiece. During discussion, my professor mentioned that the artist made Jesus look ill like the patients at the hospital that the monks took care of. He did that so that they could remember Christ in the suffering of ordinary people. And, because we are all children of God, Jesus is in everyone, and therefore we should love everyone as we love Jesus.

As I say in most of my posts, this isn't necessarily about believing in Jesus. It's about finding the best in people, and showing everyone the love we reserve for the most important people, whether in heaven or on earth. I don't think this means throwing yourself at everyone's feet, but just choosing love instead of anger or repulsion. It's tempting to get irritated by a particularly annoying comment in class, or someone who cuts you off (driving or on foot), or at something else not going our way when it comes to other people. 

But we can also love them for it and show them kindness. I think that this is hard, and it's something I know I am going to struggle with, but I want to keep it in my mind because I really believe that people deserve the best of me and not the worst.

Love Month, Day 16: City love.

This picture is from the London Eye. London is, hands down, my favorite city. I suppose that makes me sound uppity and worldly, but I am just madly in love with England. I love American cities too, but something about London just makes me swoon.

Love Month, Day 15: Lifelong love.

My grandparents have been married for more than two-thirds of their lives. 

Considering the sheer amount of time, I can imagine that they weren't all good years. Not to belittle my grandparent's marriage, but it's hard to believe there were not any hard times. It makes me realize that, although I've never been married, part of marriage must be about choice. The same is true of friendships, and other relationships other than romantic. There are times in everyone's life when they have to decide whether your wounds are worth ending a friendship or relationship. You have to choose whether or not you can still love that person. 

The answer is not always easy, or quick. But people make these decisions every day, every year. We choose to look past the ways in which people irritate us. This choice is made because we love these people. 

Sometimes pain is too great to bear. Sometimes the arguments are no longer worth keeping the person in your life. My point isn't to put down people that have gotten divorced, because their choice is just as valid as staying in a relationship. We all make the best decision we can, out of love for the person, out of love for ourselves, out of love for the other people in our lives.

Love makes the world go around, however it manifests itself.

Love Month, Day 14: The big day.

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Love Month, Day 13: Unanswered prayers.

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers," - Garth Brooks, in the song Unanswered Prayers

Sometimes I get the blues about some aspects of my past. There are so many things I'd go back and do differently, but unless someone invents a time machine, that's impossible. So I have to blindly believe that all the mistakes and tears in my past are leading somewhere good. 

This largely applies to dating, which the song has to do with. As much as I've had terrible relationship experiences, I believe that I will ultimately meet someone and I will know that there was a reason for all my pain and suffering, because it led me to the right person.

Out of necessity I have to believe that there is something great in my future that God is leading me to. I say out of necessity because when I start to let myself think that it's always going to be this way, I get more and more depressed.

And since we are only ever in the present, I think that this also requires paying attention to your blessings, however few and far between they feel. Even in the midst of the most painful times in our lives, there are so many blessings. It's just a matter of seeing them. And I think as a human race, that is one of the hardest things we have to overcome. It's tempting to think "why me?". Well, why not you? I truly believe God fits the back to the burden. He only gives us what we can handle. 

It occurs to me that this post doesn't have much to do with love. Well, I suppose it's God's love. or even if you don't believe in God, it's about noticing all the love in your life. 

Love Month, Day 12: Letter to my heart.

When I opened this post box I had grand plans for what i'd say in a letter to my heart, but then I realized I think I'm too young to have any real perspective. So this is more a letter to the future of my heart rather than the past.

Dear heart,

Don't be so afraid of letting someone love you. Petty teenage romances are not indicative of how the world feels about you. You have worth, and you deserve love just as much as any other heart out there.

I know it feels like the walls you built are safe, but just as they block out bad things they also block out good things. Opening up means allowing in great joy and great sorrow. Whatever is in store for us, we can take it. 

Let life happen as it's going to. As much as you want to control everything, sometimes it's better to sit back and wait.

Show more love to the world at large. Your feelings are so hidden that even sometimes the brain isn't aware of how you feel. Don't hold your cards so close. People want to be let in, even if you don't believe it.

Love,

Me

Sometimes I lay really still and watch my heartbeat on my stomach. If you hold your breath for a few seconds you can see your skin pulse. I guess it's not a heartbeat as much as blood rippling by, but I like seeing visual representation of all the processes at work keeping me alive. I guess you can see it in all parts of your body if you are still enough, but I personally like watching my stomach.

I don't know what that has to do with anything. I just got reminded of it when I was thinking about my heart.

Love Month, Day 11: New love.

This post isn't really about love. It's about...well, butterflies I guess. It's that feeling you get when you meet someone new, and you are curious and cautious and wanting to talk to them all the time even if you don't really know them. 

At this point I always have to restrain myself from planning our future. Usually because said boy (well i suppose at this age it's man) is barely even at friend status. But I always get excited about the rush I feel when I meet a new person. 

I think (hope) that it's normal to wonder what role a person will have in your life. 

Perhaps I spend too much time by myself.

Love Month, Day 10: Live the life you love, love the life you live.

I am absolutely terrible at loving my own life.

I'm working on it. I really am. But some part of my brain is hardwired to remember my faults and everyone else's victories. When you live 24 hours a day, seven days a week with yourself, it's hard to remember that there is goodness inside yourself.

I kind of think it's like how when we're on vacation and our family or friends drive us crazy because we have to spend virtually all our time with them. It's tempting to lose sight of what you love about someone because there is so much that is irritating you in the here and now. 

My mantra with my friends that irritate my most is they mean well. Even if someone drives me insane, they usually (i hope) aren't doing it intentionally. I suppose it'd be helpful to repeat that to myself as well. 

Love Month, Day 9: Birth.

Today is my birthday. I am 22. 

It still feels weird to write that age. For some reason it seems like a huge leap from 21. It's the first birthday where I've been aware that I am now an adult, even if I've legally been one for four years now. I know it's not that old, but it's old for me. 

Being the romantic that I am, I always like to think about what my birth must have felt like to my parents. I suppose that makes me sound extremely selfish, but I only mean it in that as my biological clock ticks louder and louder I can't help but be curious about what it feels like to have a baby. I am also a writer at heart that loves to think about these emotions in how I would explain them, so they naturally are more flowery than they might actually be in real life.

I think we all want to know that we were wanted, and important, and loved from the very first breath we took. While I never doubt that my parents loved (and love) me, I intend to actively tell my children how much their birth meant to me. 

Because I think that's all anyone needs, or needs to do. Give more love. Tell people how we feel more often. I want to show everyone in my life, however they ended up there, just how precious they are to me. How glad I am that my parents decided to have me. 

Sometimes I think just being alive is a huge honor. 

Love Month, Day 8: Cooookie

I really love this one type of cookie. I rarely buy them because I'm pretty sure they are 95% butter and 5% chocolate which means they are 100% bad for you.

But I really love them. They make me happy. I bought a box of them today, and I intend to enjoy them with reckless abandon because I haven't bought them in literally years. 

And then I'll go to they gym to burn off the five pounds I'm going to gain from eating them :)

Love Month, Day 7: Higher love.

Many people across the world believe in some form of higher power. I think the name is largely unimportant, because they all essentially mean the same thing. I think we all want to believe that something or someone is in control and has some vested interest in our well-being. There are a variety of other reasons why people want to believe, or do believe, but I haven't the time to explore them all.

My point is, we all want to know someone loves us.

I think that we are all loved. I also think that love doesn't mean life is going to be perfect and easy, in fact I think love is shown equally strongly when things go wrong in our lives. Whoever - or whatever - cares enough to allow bad things to happen because we will ultimately learn important things from them, and they may lead us to a better place. I am hesitant to post this (not that anyone really reads this) because there are probably 100 examples to the contrary of my opinion. There is no particular basis for these opinions in science or theology. 

It's just the way I think the world operates.

Love Month, Day 6: Won't you take my hand, darling, on that old dance floor

It's funny how much four years can change you.

I suppose that is true throughout our lives. A newborn is very different from a four-year-old. An eight-year-old is very different from a twelve-year-old. A thirteen-year-old is very different from a....well, you get my point. 

My college career has changed me, mostly for the better. It's strange to see the new freshman acting like I once was. As different as humans are, we are largely the same as we travel through life. We are all human, after all.

I am relatively young, and yet I have tired of the wild and crazy lifestyle of a young person. I look back fondly on my years of spreading my wings and experiencing new things, but I am so excited about venturing on to the next phase of my life. 

I am so, so happy to be equipped with a newfound optimism about my future. It's like being born again, which I also feel like happens throughout our lives. We are ever-evolving, ever realizing that what worked for us at one point no longer fits. We grow physically, emotionally, spiritually. 

In this respect I realize there is nothing to fear about the future. All I need to do is look forward with open eyes and progress along this journey of life as best I can.

Love Month, Day 5: More love

Sometimes I get impatient with my loved ones. We all do. Of course, I feel like my brain is especially equipped to go from zero to thinking of the most evil thing I could say to a person in sixty seconds. 

Thankfully I know how to bite my tongue.

I've also recently developed the ability to step back and ask myself if getting angry is worth it. I think it comes with age, I don't necessarily believe I've made some discovery others haven't been making for centuries. I think we all get to that point where we mature enough to think about what we're doing before we swing back.

I try and replace my anger with love. Generally my frustration is derived from the person trying to help and failing rather than them intentionally irritating me. I'm not perfect, and I'm probably still more cross to people than I should be, but amongst my many failures it's nice to notice when you are doing something right, sometimes, somewhat.

Love Month, Day 4: What we do

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is more people who have come alive." - John Eldredge

One of the most beautiful things, in my opinion, is watching someone do something they love. As a college student, I have the most exposure to professors who are clearly passionate about their subject. Some are more passionate than others, but the nature of professorship is that you have to love it because you toil for years only to make virtually no money.

I think it is also one of the most attractive things about the opposite sex. When I find something a boy really likes, I love to ask questions about it because I find it so lovely to see them so...well, alive. 

I feel such a rush when I do things I love. It makes me want to chase that feeling, even if I don't know where it's going to take me at this point. 

Love Month, Day 3: Oh my heart

Every time I see a particular group of my friends, my heart aches with happiness. I don't see them often, so perhaps distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Maybe this is a universal feeling, but I know I personally leave tiny bits of my heart with everyone I care about and so when I see these people it's like an empty part of my heart is filled up again. 

Well, I suppose that makes me sound like I have a half-empty heart, but I don't feel that way. Maybe my heart is like electricity, where its constantly running but sometimes it surges. Maybe this feeling is indicative of not having enough love in my life. While that may be true, I feel like the lack is also a blessing.

This is because I feel extremely lucky to be (relatively) old and still have an excitable heart. I am glad to not be too used to love that I am jaded by it. I do believe it will be an asset in my future, to some degree. I hope I am able to maintain this throughout my life. 

Love Month, Day 2: This Kind of Love.

I am absolutely obsessed with This Kind of Love by Sister Hazel.

This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall

It makes all my problems fall

This kind of trust helps me to hold the line

I'll be there every time

I want this to be my wedding song. Well, I mean that in a kind of abstract way, because it seems silly to pick a wedding song before you have a groom. But what I like about this song is that it approaches love as a kind of quiet, humble thing. I mean I guess the words aren't too unlike any other song about love, but it seems like the lyrics are conveying a message of love making you a better person, or at least want to be a better person. It doesn't feel like love on a pedestal.

This kind of love, it's what I dreamed about

Yeah fills me up, baby it leaves no doubt

This kind of love is why I'm standing here

It's something that we can share

I can't get enough of this kind of love

Obviously this song is about romantic love, but I think it applies to many different situations. The love my friends and family have showed me constantly inspires me to be a better person. However, I can't wait to share the kind of love between a husband and a wife, because it seems like a heightened kind of love. Partially because our hearts are much more invested. I hope that whenever I get married that it is a good kind of love can last us for the rest of our lives.

This kind of hope is what I tried to find

And now I can't deny I believe

This kind of faith is so unshakable

It's unmistakable, it's bigger than me

This particular verse reminds of my newfound spirituality. Having newly come into true faith, I am constantly taken aback by how wonderful it feels to be led by something bigger than myself. It makes it a lot easier to get through each day when I take the time to think about my blessings and all the great things that await me.

Your love can move mountains

It makes my world go round

It's always there to guide me

I'm so lucky that I've found this kind of love

This is another verse that I feel is more universal. Even if we don't have a significant other, the love in our life is so important. I really do feel so lucky to have as much love as I do, even if it isn't perfect.

Love Month, Day 1: Love, love, love.

Seeing as this is the month of Valentine's, I'm going to write about love this month. Love in all shapes and sizes, the kind of love we feel for friends and family and neighbors and perhaps most importantly, ourselves.

Because I truly believe that we cannot give out love unless we love ourselves. This truth has proved itself more and more in my life. 

I don't presume to know very much about love. But I know that I love love, so I'm going to explore it for 28 days. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two along the way

Teenage heartache

In the grocery store the other day I heard a song from when I was fourteen or so. It's funny to look back and think about how serious everything was back then. If a guy looked at you it could be talked about around the lunch table for at least a week. 

It's sweet to remember those times.

Fearless

Plans for Valentine's are already being laid down, two-and-a-half weeks to the big day. I haven't any plans, but I don't care. I am not going to spend this holiday lamenting about what I don't have, but instead celebrating what I do. I have a lot of love in my life. I am incredibly lucky.

I would love to be in love. There's still time for some romance, so I'm not giving up hope. Even if not, I'm choosing to not be afraid anymore. I will not give life to the fears inside my soul. I will instead nurture the hope inside my soul, coaxing it to grow and blossom so that it can take a greater place in my heart than the fears that cloud it most of the time.

I'm choosing to be fearless about whatever the future has to bring. The best I can do is march confidently in the direction of my dreams, and hope for the best.

Small leaps

I own a particularly colorful pair of rainboots. For the first year or so I owned them, I pulled my jeans over them, shy about their brightness. I loved the color and pattern, but I was afraid of what other people would think. 

Today, I tucked my jeans into my rainboots. Not only did it make it so that my jeans stayed dry, but I thought I looked quite fetching. 

Walking to class today, I still felt the same shyness wrap itself around me, but there was a smaller voice that said, who cares what other people think. And if people are going to judge me for my choice of rainboot color, then they probably are not someone I'd want to spend my time with anyway. While it was a small voice, it was enough to keep me from stopping and pulling my jeans back out. 

It is in these tiny ways that I realize I am changing. Perhaps these events seem insignificant, but I spent most of my life terrified of what other people would think. I tucked away parts of my personality for fear that others would judge it. I still worry about people judging me, but I think it is in a more healthy, abstract way rather than a crippling fear. The fact I'm learning that my little decisions lead me to the right people, well I think that's very important. I'm also learning to trust what I want rather than what I think other people want. Because who really knows what other people want? You might as well be true to yourself rather than blindly trying to please as many people as possible. 

Globetrotting

I return from a long trip across shining seas. 

It was lovely. Really lovely. I'm so glad to have been able to have the experience before I am financially on my own and unable to go off on fancy trips without a care in the world. It's strange when you can feel the bits and pieces of your youth slipping away. By and large it is something we only realize after the fact but sometimes I catch the gleam in my eyes or look at my peers and realize that I am aging, despite the fact I don't ever feel any older, not really anyway. 

As much as other places can feel alienating, all I felt was that it is so beautiful to be apart of a world community. No matter where we are on earth, or what language we speak, the vast majority of people have similar life experiences. We cheer for sports teams and meet for dinner and listen to music and fall in love. We go to work and school and do our best to get through each day. And it is the same thing people have been doing for hundreds of years, to one degree or another. It's amazing how, despite the shortness of my life so far, I am apart of the fabric of humanity. It's really beautiful.

And yet even as much as I enjoyed my travels, it makes me even more resolute in my desire to live a rather boring life. I think I could be happy if I never left the same town again, if I married one man and stayed married to him and had some babies and never saw any more of the world. Not that I don't want to see more of the world, but there is a certain comfort in being so sure about what you want in life.

And Lord, I am sure. 

Obligatory New Year's Resolution List

This year my resolutions are relatively simple.

1. Love myself more.

2. Read the bible more.

3. Do more yoga.

4. Focus on what's going right in my life.

5. Be a better friend/girlfriend.