You're Gonna Miss This

The title of this post is what I have to keep reminding myself. I am in a rush to start my life, to move on to the next step. I am limited at the moment, but I want action. I want a new apartment and a new boyfriend and a new baby (not all at once, of course) but for now I have to be content to be alone.

Because one day life is going to be crazy, and I am going to look back and wish for the days when I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I am insanely lucky, even if it is insanely hard to see sometimes.

life is beautiful

Lately I feel like I'm spinning. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. The world seems a little crazy, and I feel a little nauseous.

Even when I'm in pain, or scared, or stressed, I keep reminding myself of the gifts I have. I have abundant free time. I have no schedule. I can openly explore the world (well, at least my little section of it) without worrying about deadlines or schedules or the million other things that have sat in the back of my mind for the past several years of my life. I get to see the sunrise in my window every morning. I get to spend time with my dear friends.

Of course, these opportunities also yield time-wasting. When you have all the time in the world to do something, it's hard to not take the time for granted. Many afternoons I realize I have spent several hours flipping through the same old television stations.

So I am resolving to get up and move. Every day, I want to do something new. Explore something, create something, enjoy something.

I need to make the best of the gifts that come with the ebbs and flows of my life.

To enjoy the very fact I get to spin.

Worry

Tonight I'm up late thinking.

Thinking about things that have happened. I just watched a music video on TV that featured a couple in love. Memories flooded back, of times when I felt so much and expressed so little. I think of boys I used to date, remembering all those nights I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear as I lay next to them. I would give anything to have those moments back. To touch them and kiss them and attempt to open my heart enough so they could see the overflowing emotions locked inside my soul. I want to smile more and hold their hand more and just...more.

During those moments I could never be content to enjoy the beauty of love. Instead, I would be worried. Worried about what it meant. Worried about what it didn't mean. Worried about showing myself too much and being rejected. Worried that he was using me in some way or another. Worried about so much more than I can fully illustrate in a blog entry.

Alas, I cannot go back in time. But the thoughts are making me realize that I must live life to the fullest. As cliche as the expression is, all I can do is throw myself wildly into every moment. Because worrying is largely useless. And because I truly believe that one of the chief things other people deserve is ourselves; fully, happily, lovingly.

It's hard for me to not get caught up in the worries. They are plentiful, especially right now. But just like all those days and nights of my youth, I will look back fondly on these days. And I won't remember what happened or why it happened or why I was so worried, but I will remember the simple things. The feel of a boy's skin on my fingertips. The lazy days of early summer. Giggling over lunch with my friends. Making ridiculous poses for a camera. These sweet, little moments that will become bright spots on my memory often fall by the wayside in the muck of stress and worry for the future.

Worry has a place in life. In some ways it is what makes us move forward in an organized fashion. It is, sometimes, what allows things to get done. But by and large, all worrying does is cloud my emotions. And that is entirely useless. Besides, God has a plan for me, a plan I don't need to understand.

Instead of worrying, I want to enjoy. I want to enjoy the sticky hot late-spring days, laughing with my family, appreciating the wealth of blessings I have been given. Because at the end of the day, it's what matters most.

I don't want to lose sight of things as they are happening anymore. I want to live fully, to enjoy every breath, to laugh more, to kiss more, to just love more.