Rebirth

Lately I've been listening to Iron and Wine's song "Resurrection Fern". Naturally, I looked up what Resurrection Ferns were, in an effort to understand the song better. It's a plant that feeds off the nutrients of bigger trees and in periods of drought it can appear dead but with just a little water it will come back to life.

Sometimes thats how I feel, like I was dead and then someone came along and then the rain came in bringing me back to life. I think it happens to a lot of people. Nobody starts off being miserable or depressed but sometimes bad things happen - droughts - that make us curl in on ourselves as a preservation technique.

I'm glad to be awake again.

the dance

Everyone's life is filled with a certain degree of pain and hardship. It's a part of life.

But I think there is beauty even in the hard times. Because the hard times make us appreciate the good times that much more. 

I think sometimes I get caught up in avoiding pain in life, but with great pain comes great joy. I chronically avoid relationships because of my fear of the loss, but it means I miss out on the beauty of love.

I need to start focusing on the beauty in this world.

There's a positive message in here somewhere

I didn't get to go to church yesterday. I wasn't happy about it. In fact I was angry.

But maybe sometimes life isn't about the big holidays, and I think that's something I've learned in other situations. Maybe it's not about church on Christmas, but it's church on a random day in April or I don't know, something.

Also! I got to see the nativity. And the altar. We had tried to go to the later mass, but it ended up being much later. However, the cathedral had cleared out and we got better seats. And I was able to flip through the hymnal. So there was a positive aspect to it. I hope God understands. Because maybe I didn't get to have the body of Christ or sing my favorite songs, but I am insanely happy for the birth of Christ. I am happy this year to be able to fully appreciate that this year I could truly, as "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" says, hail the incarnate deity.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Happy Christmas to the rest of you.

All I can give is love

I've spent much of my youth incredibly hard on myself. I never entirely believed that anyone would want to love me, which probably explained my problems. But now I know differently.

Whoever marries me is lucky, or so I chose to believe. Not that I am the greatest person ever, but simply that I can love someone. I like doing things for people and holding hands and hugs and I think I could make someone feel truly loved and appreciated. I'm not perfect. There are times when my husband (or boyfriend, or what have you) will get mad at me and not want to look at me and we'll make each other cry. I'm not expecting a life full of joy, because that's unrealistic. But I am prepared to love someone to the best of my ability. 

And isn't that all anyone really wants?

Blessed

I got my first speeding ticket last night.

I was going too fast, I was in the wrong. I collected my ticket and carried on my way home. As I drove on (going the speed limit or under, of course...no really, I didn't dare speed for the seventy miles left of my trip) I couldn't help but feel like God was watching out for me. I had been warned of ice and it was very cold out, but I sped anyway, because there's a part of me that is still young and feels invincible. Maybe an accident was in my future, and angels or God or someone forced me to stop driving fast. And then I felt lucky because it was pretty much the only part of the trip where I wasn't in a 65mph zone (higher ticket) and the officer didn't charge me for my outdated insurance (which she could have) and I saved on gas mileage because I drove slower.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thrilled about the ticket. But it made me realize that even in the worst of situations, there are so many positive things to gain from it. Could I have spent the entire trip ruminating over how unfair the cop was, or how stupid I was for speeding, or how angry I was to pay the ticket? Of course. But it would have served no greater purpose than focusing on the positive things that came out of it. 

So, today, I feel blessed to finally be able to see the beauty in life.

Who I am.

I tend to have this belief that most people are inherently better than me. I suppose it's not a horrible way to live, I could be believing that I am better than most people. 

But it also means I'm a victim of believing that even if someone is irritating and hurts my feelings they must be doing something right because they are better than me. They have more friends and are more fun and are perfect in each and every way. I know this isn't true, but it's what I often believe.

It occurred to me the other day that I have a pretty amazing life. I have more friends than anyone could wish for, I am fun to be around and I am...well, I'm not perfect, but I am me. And me is sometimes awkward and sometimes shy and sometimes angry and unfair and out of line. 

But it's the life and the personality that God gave me. I will strive to be better every day, but I think I also need to focus on my strengths. Because they are plentiful, even if I can't always see them.

Ride, baby, ride.

I was driving today and it occurred to me how funny it is that I can operate such a large piece of machinery without even thinking about it. I thought back to being fifteen or so, wanting so bad to drive. Then the first time I got behind the wheel, how scary it was. My driving teacher had me drive on the highway in the pouring rain and I was scared out of my ever-loving mind. Now, it's not exactly a picnic to drive in pouring rain but it's not terribly frightening. 

It's funny how many things are terrifying when we first do them, but then get easier and easier. I mean I guess it's true of everything. I always think that about babies, how scary it must be to go from being carried around by mom or dad to walking and running and jumping on your own. I suppose nobody remembers learning to walk, but it's still interesting how something like walking or driving can become second nature when the prospect first seemed so daunting.

I think thats why we all need more patience with each other. Everyone's learning something. We all screw up, and face seemingly insurmountable challenges. It's tempting to tsk-tsk someone for their fears of things we have already conquered and know that are easy. We're all trying our best, and we'll all get there. 

It's a long way down, and it's a leap of faith

I am a control freak.

Grade A, top of the line, belle of the ball, prima ballerina control freak. 

I always feel like I've got this tight lasso around my little section of the world and if I let any slack in it, or stop paying attention, or put down the rope, it'll all fall apart. I know it's not an uncommon fear, we all worry about things going the way we want them to.

Case in point: I'm worried I won't get married. (again, common fear.) I think about it a lot, for a variety of reasons, but I always think that if I stop thinking about it it won't happen and all the sudden I'll wake up at 45, single and alone and have wondered why I couldn't make it happen.

But I think the opposite is true, to some degree. If we spent so much time trying to control our uncontrollable little worlds, we miss out on so much more. Let's place this in a location. Let's say you are on a ranch, in Arizona or Utah or somewhere. If you focus intently on what you're trying to control, a horse or something, you miss out on the other animals in the pen and the beautiful aged wood of the fence and the smiling faces around you. You miss the vast plains dotted by mountains or mesas. You miss the smell of fresh grass and the wind in your hair and the steady warmth of the sun on your back. You miss the lingering taste of peach cobbler in your mouth and the way your boyfriend looks in his father's plaid work shirt. 

Maybe this is a bad analogy, but I kind of like it. Because you can't ever control the whole world, but you can enjoy it. And maybe, just maybe, if you let go of that rope and take in all the beauty around you, that horse will come to you. And even if it doesn't, at least you had a beautiful view rather than a life of turmoil trying to control one aspect of it.

This and that

Today my professor told me to have a lovely holiday or something. I brightly said "thank you!" then walked off. I was about fifteen feet away when I realized I didn't say "you too!" but I was too far away at that point. I felt so guilty.

I have this flower poster across from my bed. I placed it there kind of randomly, but it's something for me to focus on when I'm on the phone on my bed. I'm like a baby looking at a mobile or something. My favorite are this flower:

I was looking at poppys to find a good picture of the one in my poster, and I happened upon this one. I know poppys (poppies?) are generally associated with veterans day and memorial day, which I think is lovely. But I like "lest we forget" overall. We all forget things in our lives--that we are special, that life is a gift, and the like. I don't want to forget. Neither do I want to forget all the men that gave their lives for the preservation of the free world.

On my sidebar I put a link to the Nie Nie Recovery website - it was her blog that got me started on writing about happy things, so I thought I should show my support. Not that anyone really reads this, but I want to honor her gift for inspiring a lot of people to live a little better and focus a little more on the positive.

Joy to the World

I love Christmas mass. The smell of incense, the babies in sweet little velvet dresses, the older boys with their slick hair and ties. A couple years ago I was sick and missed it and I was beside myself. It's the best part of Christmas. Partially because it's the meaning of Christmas - it's not about getting the best present or eating until you don't even want to look at food anymore. It's about a little baby being born, halfway across the globe, that changed the world. Whether or not all the details are factual, whether or not you believe, you can't avoid the fact Jesus has had a huge impact on humanity. His story has survived for 2000 years and is still going strong. Even if you don't believe, you have to acknowledge that's pretty impressive. The same is true of Muhammad and Buddha and all other religious leaders. Of the millions - probably billions or trillions, actually - of people that have lived and died on this earth, only a handful have survived the test of time. 

Another thing I love about Christmas mass is singing Christmas songs. Joy to the World especially sends a chill through me every time I hear it and sing it. It's so beautiful and happy and powerful. Same with Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. I am thankful to have been raised in the Catholic church - among other reasons, we have the most beautiful churches. It's amazing to stand in this massive, soaring building with stained glass and statues and gold leaf.

Although I am Catholic and intend to stay true to my faith, I've been listening to Latter-Day Saint speeches (sermons? I don't know what they call them) lately. I don't know if I ascribe to all their doctrine, but they have a lot of powerful messages. I like the idea of focusing on the family and really just loving one another and being good people. It reminds me to appreciate my simple life, and inspires me to carry on with what I want. It's no secret to anyone I know that I can't wait to have a family. I like hearing things that remind me that that is an acceptable goal, even having grown up in an area of the country where girls--and boys--are expected to become doctors and lawyers, the leaders of the world. I've always wanted a simple life in a simple town, with a simple family. God gives us all gifts, I think He wants me to be a mother.

I just realized this entry didn't go where I intended it to go. I guess I just wanted to say that I enjoy the simple things in life. 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

I'm going to regret this entry if anyone I know finds this blog.

People, I'm in my early twenties. I grew up with Backstreet Boys, Nsync, 98 degrees, etc.

I was too late for New Kids on the Block. However, I do remember Joey McIntyre's (I spelled his name right on the first try...that's disturbing) single, Stay the Same. 

I loved it. A lot.

My friend recently let me burn some of her CDs and I found this song on it and I got all excited because I hadn't heard it since I was fifteen or so. Anyway, I was listening to it and I don't remember it being so inspirational. It's a happy little song, despite the high-level of embarrassment associated with enjoying a song from any member of NKOTB. Well, enjoying any song from the era when I was a teenager. We may have not had good music, but it was all we had. So maybe "Bye Bye Bye" or "Mmmbop" or "Stay the Same" won't make any best songs of the century lists, but they have a soft spot in my heart.

What do you do when your hair is too short to put in a ponytail, and you need to wash your face?

 

Three headbands.

Happy, happy.

Today I bought bobby pins that have sweet little bows on them. They kind of look like a five year old should wear them, but they are black, satin, and classy so I can wear them too, or so I say.

I'm obsessed with bows. 

Today was one of those nights when I was just so happy. I really have a beautiful, lovely, amazing life. I should start appreciating it, bows and all. 

Woodland creatures

Every day on my walk to class there are literally hundreds (my campus is large) of squirrels milling about. Gray ones, black ones, brown ones. They are little scavengers, hunting around the garbage cans for someone's apple core or left over candy bar. One time I saw a squirrel perched on a post nibbling on an apple core. It was so adorable it looked fake. I had to stop and watch it for a few minutes, because the apple core was literally half it's size and it was perched on this small post. I wish I'd taken a picture.

Today, I swear one was about to walk up to me. Which I would love, except I'm afraid it would bite. I'm afraid anything that isn't human will bite me if it comes near me. I don't think I've ever been bitten, so I don't know where this fear comes from. But aside from that, I want to pet them and feed them and take one home with me. They are so adorable and agile and funny with their little nibbling mouths. They make my walk to class a lot more enjoyable because they are always doing something completely ridiculous. I love when you walk by and they have an acorn or something and they look at you like they're worried you're going to take it from them. I suppose it's a serious fear in the animal kingdom.

I like the brown ones, because there aren't a lot and they don't look like squirrels. I mean they do, with the chubby body and fluffy tail, but the color is all wrong. I guess it's true of the black ones too, but black and gray are similar on the color wheel. Brown is from left field.

I guess I can't ever actually own a squirrel. It would probably lose it's little mind at the thought of being contained, which I understand. But they're just so cute, how can I not want one of my own?

The most wonderful time of the year, indeed

iTunes is giving out free Christmas music! Okay, so they give out free songs every week, but this week they happened to give out my absolute, unconditional favorite Christmas song, "Oh Holy Night" (this version by Faith Hill, but I like almost every version). They're also giving out "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Brian McKnight. Check it out if you have iTunes!

I sound like an iTunes advertisement haha.

Moving along, for some reason one of my favorite sounds is the slidey-pluck sound acoustic guitars make when you play slow songs. I don't know if that accurately describes the sound, but it usually happens in the beginnings of songs and it's so beautiful. This is one of the reasons that I feel like I need to marry a musician (professional or amateur, but probably amateur because I'd get too lonely if he went on tour or something). Something about guitarists attracts me (and half the female population, I believe). And I like the idea he could write a song about me or our children. I think I can relate with people that know how to lay out their feelings in word, because it's the only way I can.

I like trumpets, too. But I suppose they aren't as soulful as guitars. But they do conform to my obsession with the 1940s. 

I'm seeing more Christmas decorations around. Not on campus, but around. Ask and ye shall receive, apparently. 

I love December.

17 days til Christmas?

My state college campus is very strict about not having holiday decorations. I understand why, because they would have to present either every religion or none at all. A bough of holly or a red ribbon would mean people would complain about how they were just decorating for christmas. I can imagine it's a headache for the people that run the university.

However, it's hard to get in the Christmas spirit when nothing looks like Christmas. I got a little rush when I saw some Christmas trees in people's windows the other day. It's my own light at the end of the tunnel of finals and end-of-semester stress. It's a reminder of all the happy things coming up.

Next year, I need to decorate my own place more. The university won't show any holiday spirit, but I can. For now I'll settle for wearing holiday colors and playing Christmas music on my iPod.

Lucky.

I'm Irish. I'm lucky. It's in my blood.

Certain things have happened that should get me down. Things that should make me think, why me? or, this is terrible! but all I feel is lucky. I can't take on the illnesses of my family members, or my friends' heartache, but I can feel lucky for not having to experience it personally. That does not meet that I don't hurt for them, or that I have a "better them than me" approach. I simply mean that there is a reason that God put me on this earth for 21 years without so much as removed tonsils. Nothing in my body has gone bad. The only time I've ever stayed overnight in the hospital was my birth.

I'm lucky.

It really puts things into perspective. It makes me want to live more fully because I've been given the precious gift of health. It makes me think God wants more for me because He didn't give me any big burdens to carry. He made me lucky, now it's my job to do something with it.

And so I shall.

Ode to the things I love

-Baked tortilla chips. They taste exactly the same as regular tortilla chips, but half the fat (according to the label)! If chips and salsa had any nutritional value I could eat them all day every day. I mean, salsa is a vegetable, right? Now I just need a protein...beans or cheese, maybe?

-Ribbons. Seriously, I could spend like 2 hours in a craft store just poring over ribbons. I have rolls of ribbon that I haven't ever used, I just bought them because they were pretty. 

-My walk to class. The way I go is along this lovely tree-lined path. It invigorates me in the morning, even when it's very cold or very hot I get all smiley walking down that path.

-My red blanket. I got it a few years ago, I rarely use it but it is made of the softest, warmest material. Perfect for cold December nights.

-Bookstores. I mean, does anyone actually dislike bookstores? Like craft stores, I can get lost in them for hours. Especially the multi-level ones.

It's not supposed to go like that...or maybe it is.

The longer I live, the more I realize that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He fits the back to the burden, to use the phrase.

I've been trying to figure out why bad things happen to good people. It seems senseless that someone can be living so fully and have the rug pulled out from under them. It's not fair, it's not right, but invariably they find a way to handle it that is far superior to the way the rest of us can.

Perhaps it's just the human will to live. Even though I don't think I could deal with half what some of my family members have to deal with, provided the situation you will find a way to deal with it. But I like to think that things happen for a reason, and that it's all a part of God's plan. 

It makes me think that everyone has a challenge in their life. It varies from person to person and situation to situation, but we all have a challenge. I wonder what mine is, because for all intents and purposes my life has gone pretty well. That makes me think that my challenge is to be stronger for the people that need my strength. I am painfully selfish sometimes, and that's not what people need. People need me to share my strength and stability. Sure, it's on the light end of challenges. People have to deal with no legs and cancer and mental issues, so trying not to be selfish isn't all that bad. Which makes me think that the point of my life, what I'm really here for, is yet to be seen. I'm young, it'll show itself one day. For now, I'll just work on being as strong and as good as possible so I can deal with whatever life has in store the way others deal with it naturally.

Help me remember

Sometimes when I sit down to write an entry on this blog, I'm tempted to rant about how depressed I feel, or something mildly or majorly upsetting about my day. While this is not the point of this blog, trying to think of something positive to talk about is strangely cathartic. Because sometimes I forget how beautiful and precious life is. Sometimes I have to force myself to remember. But when I do remember, it feels so good, and I remember why this blog is so important to me.

I once read in a book a while ago that said we are all born happy, but sometimes we have to remember that ingrained happiness. Life can stray you off course in many ways and over many years, making happiness seem like a distant speck on the horizon. Getting back there doesn't mean laying blame or poring over every sad detail about how you got there but instead getting up and walking toward it. The proverbial walk can mean many different things for different people. For me it's remembering why I'm trying to get back to happy, remembering how good and filling happiness is. 

Some days are harder than others. But they key is just remembering what you want and what you are aiming for, and remembering why you are on this journey. 

I may not always love you...

...but long as there are stars above you

you never need to doubt it

i'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

I watched Love Actually the other day and this song plays at the end. I think this song is so pretty and happy. I also like that it's partially about showing someone you love them ("i'll make you so sure about it") which is something I need to work on. I think we all take people for granted a little bit, so I want to work on showing people how important they are to me.

I believe in love.

I have this belief, this faith if you will, that love is out there for me. I have an inkling it will come to me within the next year or two. I believe that I will meet the love of my life and we will make it work to the best of our ability and have lots of children and a cute house and go to church on sundays. 

I have literally no reason to have this much faith. My relationship history is far from glamorous. I am the first to admit that I am not familiar with what goes into a long-term relationship.

But isn't that kind of what religion is all about? Believing without knowing, without seeing? There has been no concrete evidence in my own life that God exists (like Him appearing in front of my very eyes, but I do believe the Lord works in mysterious ways) but I choose to believe anyway. There is no concrete evidence that I am good at relationships or that I will meet my husband any time soon.

But I choose to believe.

And I think belief will pay off. I think it will work out because I want it to work out, because I believe it will work out. Perhaps I sound naive, but I don't care. Is there any real reason to believe otherwise, that marriage is stupid and all relationships are doomed to failure? We are all entitled to our own beliefs. And mine is that marriage works, that it is out there for me, and that I will be happy and loved. I know it will require work, but I am willing to do that. Because with great risk comes great reward.

Rant, party of 1

Many (most) of my friends have a cynical feeling about marriage. All they can focus on is the fact 50% of marriages end in divorce and our society isn't built for marriage and yadda yadda yadda.

I see their point. But 50% of marriages do not end in divorce. 

I have to cling to the positive. It's the only thing keeping me sane these days.