Thinking about things that have happened. I just watched a music video on TV that featured a couple in love. Memories flooded back, of times when I felt so much and expressed so little. I think of boys I used to date, remembering all those nights I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear as I lay next to them. I would give anything to have those moments back. To touch them and kiss them and attempt to open my heart enough so they could see the overflowing emotions locked inside my soul. I want to smile more and hold their hand more and just...more.
During those moments I could never be content to enjoy the beauty of love. Instead, I would be worried. Worried about what it meant. Worried about what it didn't mean. Worried about showing myself too much and being rejected. Worried that he was using me in some way or another. Worried about so much more than I can fully illustrate in a blog entry.
Alas, I cannot go back in time. But the thoughts are making me realize that I must live life to the fullest. As cliche as the expression is, all I can do is throw myself wildly into every moment. Because worrying is largely useless. And because I truly believe that one of the chief things other people deserve is ourselves; fully, happily, lovingly.
It's hard for me to not get caught up in the worries. They are plentiful, especially right now. But just like all those days and nights of my youth, I will look back fondly on these days. And I won't remember what happened or why it happened or why I was so worried, but I will remember the simple things. The feel of a boy's skin on my fingertips. The lazy days of early summer. Giggling over lunch with my friends. Making ridiculous poses for a camera. These sweet, little moments that will become bright spots on my memory often fall by the wayside in the muck of stress and worry for the future.
Worry has a place in life. In some ways it is what makes us move forward in an organized fashion. It is, sometimes, what allows things to get done. But by and large, all worrying does is cloud my emotions. And that is entirely useless. Besides, God has a plan for me, a plan I don't need to understand.
Instead of worrying, I want to enjoy. I want to enjoy the sticky hot late-spring days, laughing with my family, appreciating the wealth of blessings I have been given. Because at the end of the day, it's what matters most.
I don't want to lose sight of things as they are happening anymore. I want to live fully, to enjoy every breath, to laugh more, to kiss more, to just love more.
1 comment:
I find myself on the brink of a new relationship (maybe? really? I don't know...) and all I'm doing is worrying about it. If this person is allowing me to be a part of his life, I should not worry about anything else and just enjoy the time we have, no matter where it goes. NO WORRIES.
Living life to its fullest will only be cliche if everyone starts doing it. It's said a lot, but none of us do it. We have to keep saying it until we practice it.
:)
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