Rebirth

Lately I've been listening to Iron and Wine's song "Resurrection Fern". Naturally, I looked up what Resurrection Ferns were, in an effort to understand the song better. It's a plant that feeds off the nutrients of bigger trees and in periods of drought it can appear dead but with just a little water it will come back to life.

Sometimes thats how I feel, like I was dead and then someone came along and then the rain came in bringing me back to life. I think it happens to a lot of people. Nobody starts off being miserable or depressed but sometimes bad things happen - droughts - that make us curl in on ourselves as a preservation technique.

I'm glad to be awake again.

the dance

Everyone's life is filled with a certain degree of pain and hardship. It's a part of life.

But I think there is beauty even in the hard times. Because the hard times make us appreciate the good times that much more. 

I think sometimes I get caught up in avoiding pain in life, but with great pain comes great joy. I chronically avoid relationships because of my fear of the loss, but it means I miss out on the beauty of love.

I need to start focusing on the beauty in this world.

There's a positive message in here somewhere

I didn't get to go to church yesterday. I wasn't happy about it. In fact I was angry.

But maybe sometimes life isn't about the big holidays, and I think that's something I've learned in other situations. Maybe it's not about church on Christmas, but it's church on a random day in April or I don't know, something.

Also! I got to see the nativity. And the altar. We had tried to go to the later mass, but it ended up being much later. However, the cathedral had cleared out and we got better seats. And I was able to flip through the hymnal. So there was a positive aspect to it. I hope God understands. Because maybe I didn't get to have the body of Christ or sing my favorite songs, but I am insanely happy for the birth of Christ. I am happy this year to be able to fully appreciate that this year I could truly, as "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" says, hail the incarnate deity.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Happy Christmas to the rest of you.

All I can give is love

I've spent much of my youth incredibly hard on myself. I never entirely believed that anyone would want to love me, which probably explained my problems. But now I know differently.

Whoever marries me is lucky, or so I chose to believe. Not that I am the greatest person ever, but simply that I can love someone. I like doing things for people and holding hands and hugs and I think I could make someone feel truly loved and appreciated. I'm not perfect. There are times when my husband (or boyfriend, or what have you) will get mad at me and not want to look at me and we'll make each other cry. I'm not expecting a life full of joy, because that's unrealistic. But I am prepared to love someone to the best of my ability. 

And isn't that all anyone really wants?

Blessed

I got my first speeding ticket last night.

I was going too fast, I was in the wrong. I collected my ticket and carried on my way home. As I drove on (going the speed limit or under, of course...no really, I didn't dare speed for the seventy miles left of my trip) I couldn't help but feel like God was watching out for me. I had been warned of ice and it was very cold out, but I sped anyway, because there's a part of me that is still young and feels invincible. Maybe an accident was in my future, and angels or God or someone forced me to stop driving fast. And then I felt lucky because it was pretty much the only part of the trip where I wasn't in a 65mph zone (higher ticket) and the officer didn't charge me for my outdated insurance (which she could have) and I saved on gas mileage because I drove slower.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thrilled about the ticket. But it made me realize that even in the worst of situations, there are so many positive things to gain from it. Could I have spent the entire trip ruminating over how unfair the cop was, or how stupid I was for speeding, or how angry I was to pay the ticket? Of course. But it would have served no greater purpose than focusing on the positive things that came out of it. 

So, today, I feel blessed to finally be able to see the beauty in life.

Who I am.

I tend to have this belief that most people are inherently better than me. I suppose it's not a horrible way to live, I could be believing that I am better than most people. 

But it also means I'm a victim of believing that even if someone is irritating and hurts my feelings they must be doing something right because they are better than me. They have more friends and are more fun and are perfect in each and every way. I know this isn't true, but it's what I often believe.

It occurred to me the other day that I have a pretty amazing life. I have more friends than anyone could wish for, I am fun to be around and I am...well, I'm not perfect, but I am me. And me is sometimes awkward and sometimes shy and sometimes angry and unfair and out of line. 

But it's the life and the personality that God gave me. I will strive to be better every day, but I think I also need to focus on my strengths. Because they are plentiful, even if I can't always see them.

Ride, baby, ride.

I was driving today and it occurred to me how funny it is that I can operate such a large piece of machinery without even thinking about it. I thought back to being fifteen or so, wanting so bad to drive. Then the first time I got behind the wheel, how scary it was. My driving teacher had me drive on the highway in the pouring rain and I was scared out of my ever-loving mind. Now, it's not exactly a picnic to drive in pouring rain but it's not terribly frightening. 

It's funny how many things are terrifying when we first do them, but then get easier and easier. I mean I guess it's true of everything. I always think that about babies, how scary it must be to go from being carried around by mom or dad to walking and running and jumping on your own. I suppose nobody remembers learning to walk, but it's still interesting how something like walking or driving can become second nature when the prospect first seemed so daunting.

I think thats why we all need more patience with each other. Everyone's learning something. We all screw up, and face seemingly insurmountable challenges. It's tempting to tsk-tsk someone for their fears of things we have already conquered and know that are easy. We're all trying our best, and we'll all get there. 

It's a long way down, and it's a leap of faith

I am a control freak.

Grade A, top of the line, belle of the ball, prima ballerina control freak. 

I always feel like I've got this tight lasso around my little section of the world and if I let any slack in it, or stop paying attention, or put down the rope, it'll all fall apart. I know it's not an uncommon fear, we all worry about things going the way we want them to.

Case in point: I'm worried I won't get married. (again, common fear.) I think about it a lot, for a variety of reasons, but I always think that if I stop thinking about it it won't happen and all the sudden I'll wake up at 45, single and alone and have wondered why I couldn't make it happen.

But I think the opposite is true, to some degree. If we spent so much time trying to control our uncontrollable little worlds, we miss out on so much more. Let's place this in a location. Let's say you are on a ranch, in Arizona or Utah or somewhere. If you focus intently on what you're trying to control, a horse or something, you miss out on the other animals in the pen and the beautiful aged wood of the fence and the smiling faces around you. You miss the vast plains dotted by mountains or mesas. You miss the smell of fresh grass and the wind in your hair and the steady warmth of the sun on your back. You miss the lingering taste of peach cobbler in your mouth and the way your boyfriend looks in his father's plaid work shirt. 

Maybe this is a bad analogy, but I kind of like it. Because you can't ever control the whole world, but you can enjoy it. And maybe, just maybe, if you let go of that rope and take in all the beauty around you, that horse will come to you. And even if it doesn't, at least you had a beautiful view rather than a life of turmoil trying to control one aspect of it.

This and that

Today my professor told me to have a lovely holiday or something. I brightly said "thank you!" then walked off. I was about fifteen feet away when I realized I didn't say "you too!" but I was too far away at that point. I felt so guilty.

I have this flower poster across from my bed. I placed it there kind of randomly, but it's something for me to focus on when I'm on the phone on my bed. I'm like a baby looking at a mobile or something. My favorite are this flower:

I was looking at poppys to find a good picture of the one in my poster, and I happened upon this one. I know poppys (poppies?) are generally associated with veterans day and memorial day, which I think is lovely. But I like "lest we forget" overall. We all forget things in our lives--that we are special, that life is a gift, and the like. I don't want to forget. Neither do I want to forget all the men that gave their lives for the preservation of the free world.

On my sidebar I put a link to the Nie Nie Recovery website - it was her blog that got me started on writing about happy things, so I thought I should show my support. Not that anyone really reads this, but I want to honor her gift for inspiring a lot of people to live a little better and focus a little more on the positive.

Joy to the World

I love Christmas mass. The smell of incense, the babies in sweet little velvet dresses, the older boys with their slick hair and ties. A couple years ago I was sick and missed it and I was beside myself. It's the best part of Christmas. Partially because it's the meaning of Christmas - it's not about getting the best present or eating until you don't even want to look at food anymore. It's about a little baby being born, halfway across the globe, that changed the world. Whether or not all the details are factual, whether or not you believe, you can't avoid the fact Jesus has had a huge impact on humanity. His story has survived for 2000 years and is still going strong. Even if you don't believe, you have to acknowledge that's pretty impressive. The same is true of Muhammad and Buddha and all other religious leaders. Of the millions - probably billions or trillions, actually - of people that have lived and died on this earth, only a handful have survived the test of time. 

Another thing I love about Christmas mass is singing Christmas songs. Joy to the World especially sends a chill through me every time I hear it and sing it. It's so beautiful and happy and powerful. Same with Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. I am thankful to have been raised in the Catholic church - among other reasons, we have the most beautiful churches. It's amazing to stand in this massive, soaring building with stained glass and statues and gold leaf.

Although I am Catholic and intend to stay true to my faith, I've been listening to Latter-Day Saint speeches (sermons? I don't know what they call them) lately. I don't know if I ascribe to all their doctrine, but they have a lot of powerful messages. I like the idea of focusing on the family and really just loving one another and being good people. It reminds me to appreciate my simple life, and inspires me to carry on with what I want. It's no secret to anyone I know that I can't wait to have a family. I like hearing things that remind me that that is an acceptable goal, even having grown up in an area of the country where girls--and boys--are expected to become doctors and lawyers, the leaders of the world. I've always wanted a simple life in a simple town, with a simple family. God gives us all gifts, I think He wants me to be a mother.

I just realized this entry didn't go where I intended it to go. I guess I just wanted to say that I enjoy the simple things in life. 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

I'm going to regret this entry if anyone I know finds this blog.

People, I'm in my early twenties. I grew up with Backstreet Boys, Nsync, 98 degrees, etc.

I was too late for New Kids on the Block. However, I do remember Joey McIntyre's (I spelled his name right on the first try...that's disturbing) single, Stay the Same. 

I loved it. A lot.

My friend recently let me burn some of her CDs and I found this song on it and I got all excited because I hadn't heard it since I was fifteen or so. Anyway, I was listening to it and I don't remember it being so inspirational. It's a happy little song, despite the high-level of embarrassment associated with enjoying a song from any member of NKOTB. Well, enjoying any song from the era when I was a teenager. We may have not had good music, but it was all we had. So maybe "Bye Bye Bye" or "Mmmbop" or "Stay the Same" won't make any best songs of the century lists, but they have a soft spot in my heart.

What do you do when your hair is too short to put in a ponytail, and you need to wash your face?

 

Three headbands.

Happy, happy.

Today I bought bobby pins that have sweet little bows on them. They kind of look like a five year old should wear them, but they are black, satin, and classy so I can wear them too, or so I say.

I'm obsessed with bows. 

Today was one of those nights when I was just so happy. I really have a beautiful, lovely, amazing life. I should start appreciating it, bows and all. 

Woodland creatures

Every day on my walk to class there are literally hundreds (my campus is large) of squirrels milling about. Gray ones, black ones, brown ones. They are little scavengers, hunting around the garbage cans for someone's apple core or left over candy bar. One time I saw a squirrel perched on a post nibbling on an apple core. It was so adorable it looked fake. I had to stop and watch it for a few minutes, because the apple core was literally half it's size and it was perched on this small post. I wish I'd taken a picture.

Today, I swear one was about to walk up to me. Which I would love, except I'm afraid it would bite. I'm afraid anything that isn't human will bite me if it comes near me. I don't think I've ever been bitten, so I don't know where this fear comes from. But aside from that, I want to pet them and feed them and take one home with me. They are so adorable and agile and funny with their little nibbling mouths. They make my walk to class a lot more enjoyable because they are always doing something completely ridiculous. I love when you walk by and they have an acorn or something and they look at you like they're worried you're going to take it from them. I suppose it's a serious fear in the animal kingdom.

I like the brown ones, because there aren't a lot and they don't look like squirrels. I mean they do, with the chubby body and fluffy tail, but the color is all wrong. I guess it's true of the black ones too, but black and gray are similar on the color wheel. Brown is from left field.

I guess I can't ever actually own a squirrel. It would probably lose it's little mind at the thought of being contained, which I understand. But they're just so cute, how can I not want one of my own?

The most wonderful time of the year, indeed

iTunes is giving out free Christmas music! Okay, so they give out free songs every week, but this week they happened to give out my absolute, unconditional favorite Christmas song, "Oh Holy Night" (this version by Faith Hill, but I like almost every version). They're also giving out "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Brian McKnight. Check it out if you have iTunes!

I sound like an iTunes advertisement haha.

Moving along, for some reason one of my favorite sounds is the slidey-pluck sound acoustic guitars make when you play slow songs. I don't know if that accurately describes the sound, but it usually happens in the beginnings of songs and it's so beautiful. This is one of the reasons that I feel like I need to marry a musician (professional or amateur, but probably amateur because I'd get too lonely if he went on tour or something). Something about guitarists attracts me (and half the female population, I believe). And I like the idea he could write a song about me or our children. I think I can relate with people that know how to lay out their feelings in word, because it's the only way I can.

I like trumpets, too. But I suppose they aren't as soulful as guitars. But they do conform to my obsession with the 1940s. 

I'm seeing more Christmas decorations around. Not on campus, but around. Ask and ye shall receive, apparently. 

I love December.

17 days til Christmas?

My state college campus is very strict about not having holiday decorations. I understand why, because they would have to present either every religion or none at all. A bough of holly or a red ribbon would mean people would complain about how they were just decorating for christmas. I can imagine it's a headache for the people that run the university.

However, it's hard to get in the Christmas spirit when nothing looks like Christmas. I got a little rush when I saw some Christmas trees in people's windows the other day. It's my own light at the end of the tunnel of finals and end-of-semester stress. It's a reminder of all the happy things coming up.

Next year, I need to decorate my own place more. The university won't show any holiday spirit, but I can. For now I'll settle for wearing holiday colors and playing Christmas music on my iPod.

Lucky.

I'm Irish. I'm lucky. It's in my blood.

Certain things have happened that should get me down. Things that should make me think, why me? or, this is terrible! but all I feel is lucky. I can't take on the illnesses of my family members, or my friends' heartache, but I can feel lucky for not having to experience it personally. That does not meet that I don't hurt for them, or that I have a "better them than me" approach. I simply mean that there is a reason that God put me on this earth for 21 years without so much as removed tonsils. Nothing in my body has gone bad. The only time I've ever stayed overnight in the hospital was my birth.

I'm lucky.

It really puts things into perspective. It makes me want to live more fully because I've been given the precious gift of health. It makes me think God wants more for me because He didn't give me any big burdens to carry. He made me lucky, now it's my job to do something with it.

And so I shall.

Ode to the things I love

-Baked tortilla chips. They taste exactly the same as regular tortilla chips, but half the fat (according to the label)! If chips and salsa had any nutritional value I could eat them all day every day. I mean, salsa is a vegetable, right? Now I just need a protein...beans or cheese, maybe?

-Ribbons. Seriously, I could spend like 2 hours in a craft store just poring over ribbons. I have rolls of ribbon that I haven't ever used, I just bought them because they were pretty. 

-My walk to class. The way I go is along this lovely tree-lined path. It invigorates me in the morning, even when it's very cold or very hot I get all smiley walking down that path.

-My red blanket. I got it a few years ago, I rarely use it but it is made of the softest, warmest material. Perfect for cold December nights.

-Bookstores. I mean, does anyone actually dislike bookstores? Like craft stores, I can get lost in them for hours. Especially the multi-level ones.

It's not supposed to go like that...or maybe it is.

The longer I live, the more I realize that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He fits the back to the burden, to use the phrase.

I've been trying to figure out why bad things happen to good people. It seems senseless that someone can be living so fully and have the rug pulled out from under them. It's not fair, it's not right, but invariably they find a way to handle it that is far superior to the way the rest of us can.

Perhaps it's just the human will to live. Even though I don't think I could deal with half what some of my family members have to deal with, provided the situation you will find a way to deal with it. But I like to think that things happen for a reason, and that it's all a part of God's plan. 

It makes me think that everyone has a challenge in their life. It varies from person to person and situation to situation, but we all have a challenge. I wonder what mine is, because for all intents and purposes my life has gone pretty well. That makes me think that my challenge is to be stronger for the people that need my strength. I am painfully selfish sometimes, and that's not what people need. People need me to share my strength and stability. Sure, it's on the light end of challenges. People have to deal with no legs and cancer and mental issues, so trying not to be selfish isn't all that bad. Which makes me think that the point of my life, what I'm really here for, is yet to be seen. I'm young, it'll show itself one day. For now, I'll just work on being as strong and as good as possible so I can deal with whatever life has in store the way others deal with it naturally.

Help me remember

Sometimes when I sit down to write an entry on this blog, I'm tempted to rant about how depressed I feel, or something mildly or majorly upsetting about my day. While this is not the point of this blog, trying to think of something positive to talk about is strangely cathartic. Because sometimes I forget how beautiful and precious life is. Sometimes I have to force myself to remember. But when I do remember, it feels so good, and I remember why this blog is so important to me.

I once read in a book a while ago that said we are all born happy, but sometimes we have to remember that ingrained happiness. Life can stray you off course in many ways and over many years, making happiness seem like a distant speck on the horizon. Getting back there doesn't mean laying blame or poring over every sad detail about how you got there but instead getting up and walking toward it. The proverbial walk can mean many different things for different people. For me it's remembering why I'm trying to get back to happy, remembering how good and filling happiness is. 

Some days are harder than others. But they key is just remembering what you want and what you are aiming for, and remembering why you are on this journey. 

I may not always love you...

...but long as there are stars above you

you never need to doubt it

i'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

I watched Love Actually the other day and this song plays at the end. I think this song is so pretty and happy. I also like that it's partially about showing someone you love them ("i'll make you so sure about it") which is something I need to work on. I think we all take people for granted a little bit, so I want to work on showing people how important they are to me.

I believe in love.

I have this belief, this faith if you will, that love is out there for me. I have an inkling it will come to me within the next year or two. I believe that I will meet the love of my life and we will make it work to the best of our ability and have lots of children and a cute house and go to church on sundays. 

I have literally no reason to have this much faith. My relationship history is far from glamorous. I am the first to admit that I am not familiar with what goes into a long-term relationship.

But isn't that kind of what religion is all about? Believing without knowing, without seeing? There has been no concrete evidence in my own life that God exists (like Him appearing in front of my very eyes, but I do believe the Lord works in mysterious ways) but I choose to believe anyway. There is no concrete evidence that I am good at relationships or that I will meet my husband any time soon.

But I choose to believe.

And I think belief will pay off. I think it will work out because I want it to work out, because I believe it will work out. Perhaps I sound naive, but I don't care. Is there any real reason to believe otherwise, that marriage is stupid and all relationships are doomed to failure? We are all entitled to our own beliefs. And mine is that marriage works, that it is out there for me, and that I will be happy and loved. I know it will require work, but I am willing to do that. Because with great risk comes great reward.

Rant, party of 1

Many (most) of my friends have a cynical feeling about marriage. All they can focus on is the fact 50% of marriages end in divorce and our society isn't built for marriage and yadda yadda yadda.

I see their point. But 50% of marriages do not end in divorce. 

I have to cling to the positive. It's the only thing keeping me sane these days.

Finger waves

I figured out how to make finger waves (look it up, it's a hairstyle) with my curling iron. They look beautiful! I'll take a picture one of these days. 

While I was home this weekend, I bought the most beautiful dress in the world. It fits me perfectly and I wish I could wear it every day. It's very 1940s-1950s. I can't wait to wear it with my new wavy hair and a jaunty little cap. Add a pair of black kid gloves and I will look just like I stepped out of a 1950s magazine. I may have to brave the world with my red lipstick to complete this look.

I don't feel as grown up as I am. but there are times when I put a perfect outfit together and I realize I am a woman now.

I can't wait to see what this next stage of my life, womanhood, has in store for me. I know it's going to be great. 

Imagine.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

I believe in seeing the best in people. I believe in romantic, movie-type love. I believe that life is what we make it. I believe that being nice is a lot easier than being mean, whatever the situation. I believe salt makes anything taste better. I believe in God. I believe in the bible being the best place to get self-help information. I believe in journal writing. I believe in everlasting friendships. I believe in listening to your heart. I believe in trying to find the best thing about any situation. I believe that country music is amazing. I believe in modesty. I believe that there is a reason for everything that happens in my life. I believe that I am loved. I believe that one day, I will get married and have a family, despite how much I worry about being alone. I believe in exercising, even if I don't do it enough. I believe that people can change. I believe that freckles are the most beautiful feature a person can be blessed with, men and women. I believe that life has a purpose. I believe that pomegranate juice has healing properties. I believe I was meant to be a mother. I believe in doing what is best for you. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in song lyrics. I believe that happiness is something you have to find in yourself. I believe that the bad times are necessary so that you can appreciate the good times more. 

I believe in me.

Lace veils

I've been thinking a lot about my wedding lately, for no particular reason.

(Then again, I always think about my wedding.)

But lately I've been thinking about my veil. I want one like this: 

I think the mantilla lace is so beautiful and classic. It reminds me of old weddings. I have a firm belief that I was born in the wrong decade. I was cut out for the cute hats and dresses of the 1940s or 1950s.

My grandparents got married in 1947. I am simply dying to ask how they fell in love and what their wedding was like. I like to believe that there is something deeply romantic about my young grandmother waiting for her sweetheart to come back from the war. I can't imagine sending someone you love off to war where there's a good chance they aren't going to come back alive. I don't even know if they were dating during the war.

I should ask.

(Also, thank god I didn't have to live through that. As romantic as it sounds, I can't even fathom the sheer terror for those on the home front waiting for their loved ones during the big wars.)

I simply love love. I think about it all the time. I also think I should incorporate styles like this veil into my daily life, because sitting around waiting for the one day when I can wear something that beautiful is a little silly.

Giving thanks

My rough patch ended today (!)

I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't. In a strange way, I'm thankful for the rough patch, because it made me want to fight that much harder for the good times. I never want to fall apart to the girl I was before.

And like I said in the previous post, I know I won't. Because I have a strong will, and I have a reason to fight. These good days, where everything seems perfect and I can't stop smiling, are worth the pain of the bad days.

Awesome. 

rough patch, day twenty-nine thousand three hundred and six...

...and I say that with a smile. I will get through this rough patch. I will. I am stronger than this.

new make-up, just in time for the holidays.

Today I went to the mall, to buy new makeup because what I have is too dark. This is a combination of my skin losing all summer color and the fact I've been stubborn towards accepting the fact my skin is very, very light and buying a darker makeup will not do anything to make me look pretty and tan, it just makes me look...like I don't know how to do my makeup.

Nevertheless, off to Sephora I trekked. After I'd collected the palest of pale mineral makeup, I looked around for some new tinted moisturizer, because that's also too dark. This led to one of the Sephora workers offering to do my makeup. I said sure, partially because every time I get my makeup done I feel so doggone pretty and I have not felt pretty in a while.

This woman clearly knew what she was doing. Ten minutes later, I looked like a supermodel. My eyes popped, my face was aglow. It looked so awesome that I was tempted to buy every product she'd put on my face, but that would have been well over 200 dollars. So I did what any self-respecting college kid would do: I went and bought the colors at Target.

check out my loot (bare minerals not from target, of course)

I re-did my makeup tonight, and it looks okay. I mean, obviously they are not the high end products, but they do the job. Naturally, the biggest change was the mineral powder. Hoo boy, wearing the wrong color is just...wrong.

Shortly thereafter, I did one of my favorite things, which was to put on my favorite red lipstick that I'm too shy to wear in public.

red lipstick makes those blue eyes pop

I can't decide if it's grown up and sassy or just clown lipstick. So for now, I just wear it around my apartment. I also can't decide if I want photos of me on my blog. I don't even think I have any readers, and I don't even know if my family members can some how google and find me, but all of that is shadowed by the fact I started blogging because I fell in love with bloggers that happen to post a lot of pictures. So I'll throw caution to the wind, especially since this blog isn't going to be a place for juicy details. Just light and airy information, designed to make me happier.

I'm still in the throes of a rough phase, but new makeup makes it easier. So does my ever-present desire to focus on the positive side of things, even if it's hard sometimes.

I've longed for you, and I have desired to see your face, your smile

A little while ago I read a comment on a blog, or maybe it was a blog entry. Either way, a woman mentioned that every night she prayed for her future husband to have a good day. When they ultimately met, she asked him if he'd had a lot of good days, because she'd prayed for them.

I like that idea. Partially because I believe that what we believe in, that our future spouses are out there somewhere, that it shows a steady confidence that marriage will happen. I have spent many years believing that marriage just was not in the cards for me, because of a number of issues. But I really do believe that if I just have faith that a husband will come along, and that he is out there somewhere but the right time has not come for us to meet each other, than the universe will allow that to happen. If I think negative thoughts, and believe that I will never get married, then I won't. Self-fulfilling prophesy, I suppose.

This comes from seeing Twilight tonight. What Bella and Edward have - on screen, and in the books - even if it's not a true representation of love, or even if it doesn't happen to most people, I still want it. I want to be excited about someone again, to get excited just to see their face and smell their smell and watch them smile.

I have faith, or at least I try to, that I will someday have an amazing love. Tucked somewhere deep inside of me is the belief that I will one day meet him, the one, my future husband, and I will know exactly why God put me through years of heartache. I know I'm a very, very lucky person, and I know that I am lucky enough to one day have a good love.

The hardest part, though, is believing I can love. I haven't loved well in the past, but I need to have faith that those years are behind me, and that I will improve, and that I am capable of giving a husband and children the love they deserve.

For now, though, I will just work on believing in myself and strengthening my ability to give love. And I hope that my future husband, wherever he is, had a good day today.

the lovely years

I just discovered a new song, lovely years by fisher.

It's about parenthood, about how lovely it is. While I have never had any children, I can relate to the lovely years. Because they happen all the time. If you tinker with a few verses, it could explain my college career.

It's been lovely. Not without pain and heartache and stress, but still so lovely and beautiful and perfect in it's imperfection. I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, not for the world.

I mean, we all wish for better things. Better grades, better hair, better skin, better boyfriends, everything. But I have a belief that life is progressing how it's meant to, and that while this moment may not be perfect in the traditional way, but it's lovely. Because, right now, this moment, is beautiful, and a gift. And because I know my life is headed somewhere amazing. And whatever path I happen down will be the right one, because it's my path, and it's God's path, and it's amazing.

And I hope, and I wish, and I wonder, that it will head down an aisle toward a blue-eyed man, so we can have some fun and then get down to the nitty-gritty of what this song is really written for. 

Because I believe that if we wish hard enough, and put in a little effort, we will get what we want, and what we need.

And what we want, and what we need, are the lovely years. Children, no children, Spouse, no Spouse, College, no college...all lovely years, because they are our years.

The day I was waiting for

Today was good. Really, really good.

Every class was good, every moment was good. It was so bitter cold, but there were flurries. It was as if God was sending them down to say, I know the cold is awful but with cold comes snow, which is so beautiful. I feel like it was my own little sign that there are good things even in the midst of the bad.

Because you can think about the cold, or the ice, or the whipping wind. Or you can just appreciate the magic that is a first snowfall.

The Good Things

I thought about writing a diatribe about the things going wrong in my life. Then I realized, that's not why I started this blog. This blog is meant for me to remember the good in life even when I'm in the thick of the bad. 

And so, without further adieu, I present the good things about my day and life:

-I have a warm bed to sleep in tonight. And a stomach full of a hot dinner. 

-I had the most delicious cinnamon raisin bagel with walnut raisin cream cheese today. I'm pretty sure God sent those down from heaven just for me.

-I filled my gas tank for 20 dollars today. So! Exciting!

-I'm pretty sure I annoyed everyone in my class today with my incessant talking. Why is this a good thing? Because I spent many, many, many years of my life too scared to speak up in class for fear of looking stupid. I'm so happy to have gotten past that. It gives me faith that I can get through other things.

-I worked out today.

-I watched a sad TV show that reminded me of the death. This a good thing because I remembered all the good that came out of the death, like realizing how precious my life is.

-I got everything done that I set out to do today.

It was a good day. It really was.

T-minus 39 days.

I've been listening to Christmas music like it's going out of style.

One of my new favorites is Believe by Josh Groban. 

My favorite line is "there's no time to waste, there's so much to celebrate"

I know it's about Christmas, but I like to apply it to my whole life. There really is no time to waste when it comes to celebrating how beautiful life is. It's tempting to wait for the perfect moment, or a fresh start, or the future. But the celebration needs to begin now. Because there really is so much to celebrate about life. Even in the boring moments, even in the sad moments, even in the hard moments. 

Despite my love of celebration, I'm afraid of this Christmas. It's going to be different, because of a death in the family. We lost my uncle, the guy who always lit up the room (only the good die young). No matter who it was that died, we lost a piece of our family puzzle. It'll hurt, knowing he isn't there to celebrate with us, to laugh, to joke, to enjoy the food and music. But pain is a part of life. All we can do is respect the dead and make the best of what we've got while we're here.

And you know what? I have a feeling that Christmas in heaven is so much better than here on earth. 

It Happens

Today was one of those days. 

Those days where you don't understand why things are happening the way they are.

I got stuck in the rain. It was raining, sideways, in sheets. I was lost. 

I tried to understand why it was happening, if there was a silver lining, but I could not find one.

Perhaps it's yet to be seen. 

Tomorrow's another day. 

The "I Love" List

From Jennie at shelikespurple.com: I challenge you to make your own list. The only catch? You can't include a single person you know on your list. No "I love the way my husband laughs" or "I love hearing my little girl call for me." It'll be tough, I know. But this particular little exercise is about stripping away everyone who defines you and figuring out what you (not his partner; not their mother/daughter/sister/friend) love.

I love turkey sandwiches, on a sub roll, with lettuce, tomato, mayo, and provolone cheese. I love it with a side of salty chips. I love my bed. I love sleeping in late. I love spontaneous trips to target, or a restaurant, or nowhere. I love thanksgivings and christmases. I love making pies, and then seeing how happy they are that I made it. I love God. I love all the beautiful things God has blessed me with. I love greasy sausage pizza with lots of parmesan cheese on top. I love my shower curtain. I love googling bible quotes. I love LOLcats. I love PostSecret on Sunday morning. I love the framed four-leaf clover on my desk, there to remind me of how lucky I am. I love good-smelling shampoos and conditioners. I love Christmas decorations. I love Christmas music, which I'm already listening to, even though it's only November 14. I love music in general. I love steak and potatoes, with fried onion strings on top. I like raisin nut bread, with real butter spread on top. I love the excitement of seeing someone I haven't seen in a while. I love history. I love that Obama is our president-elect. I love the two pictures of the Virgin Mary that are right over my bed. I love cute dresses. I love cute aprons. I love cute flats, even if I am 5 feet and should be wearing heels more often. I love my heart ring. I love taking pictures. I love my computer. I love my eyes. I love football games, and tailgates. I love music of all kinds. I love music that moves me, to tears, to dance, to work toward getting better. I love men. I love the smell of cologne and sweat mixed together under a dress shirt. I love boy's smiles, and their hair, and the way they are. I love that I can find the good in people. I love baking bread. I love throwing parties. I love me. 

Today was a good day.

It was one of those perfect, crisp fall days. We've been having quite an indian summer here in the greater DC area. But today was hoodie weather -- the best kind of weather. The leaves were changing, the breeze was welcoming, and there was football.

My team won big today. Victories are sweet, especially on perfect fall days.

Then I had my favorite dinner, and then I spent the afternoon listening to my favorite music.

I don't know how life could get any more magical.

This always make me get choked up

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
-Mary Stevenson

My relationship with the lord has been difficult since I was old enough to really think about it. But as I grow I realize more and more the positive influence of religion. Yes, every religion has it's downfalls, but just the idea that the lord is always there for you and that you can be a good person and be happy and succeed is just beautiful.

Better Living Through Chemistry

In the recent months, I have begun a new anti-depressant. I though the mountains I would have to climb would be snowy and full of avalanches and abominable snowmen, but it has provided relatively easy so far.

In respect to my newfound good mood, I want to ride it out. So this diary is going to be my goal to write about at least one good thing that happened each day.

I have a sticky note on my wall behind my computer that says "positivity breeds positivity!" and I hope that it will apply to this blog.

I'm not going to take down the previous two entries, one because the first one outlines how I spent so many years of my life feeling and I don't want to lie and act like the valley of depression didn't exist. And the other entry is, well, not changed by depression or lack thereof.

So here goes.

Someone to Die For

I can't wait to get married. And have a baby. Why? It just seems like so much fun. 

The falling in love. The wedding. The happiness. Always having someone to hug when I need a hug. A giggly baby. A curious four-year-old. I can't wait. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg with positive things that come along with wife and motherhood.

I know there's the downside. There's the late nights with the baby, and fights about who's stealing the covers, and the sharing of stuff and the misunderstandings and the whole raising-a-civilized-human-being thing. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg of the negative things that come along with wife and motherhood.

If I had a list of things I want to do before I die, those would be the top two. In bold. And underlined. And in bright pink font. 

I think I'm just sick of being alone. I am sick of being alone. I'm sick of traveling this world alone. 

My dating history hasn't exactly been glamorous. Perhaps I haven't met the right person. Perhaps I am not good enough. Perhaps it's that I think I'm not good enough.

Whatever the case may be, I need to get to the point where I'm capable of loving another human being. I need to get to the point where I'm capable of loving myself for crying out loud. I need to do it to fulfill the dream I've had since I was a little girl. It's survived with me through puberty and bad relationships and the ups and downs of depression. 

I want a family.

And So It Goes

I'm sure someone might stumble across my blog. So I might as well outline the details for those curious.

This is mainly a depression blog. Depressing, huh? I assume there will be positive entries, hell, I hope there will be positive entries, but I cannot predict what will happen. I'm doing this for my own good, but I'm leaving it open to the world because there is a part of me that loves comments and feedback. However, if you don't like my whining or my depressing entries, keep on trucking. There's no point in making a depressed person more depressed, now is there? You don't want to be the reason I jump from my rooftop, now do you?

I have struggled with depression for an undetermined amount of years. Seriously, I'm not being vague, I really have no idea when it began. My therapist always says that babies aren't born depressed, but I think I may be the exception. 

Oh, and, that's probably the first and last time I'll write "my therapist says...". I think it's tacky. It reminds me of an annoying sitcom character, or maybe an annoying friend I once had. Who knows. Point is, I don't like it.

I came up with the title "My Own Heartsong" on a whim. It was only after I'd decided on it that I realized how true it is. Much of my depression relates to how I've spent many, many years ignoring the person inside me that just wants love and attention. I'm trying to find a way to open up my heart and show the world who I am inside, let them hear my song. It's exceedingly difficult. The tagline relates to finding another heart to sing a song back. I began this path down getting better after a series of failed relationships when I realized either I can get help or I can be alone for the rest of my life because I am incapable of properly loving another human being. Some would say this is because I don't love myself. You can do with that what you with. I suppose loving yourself is important (it is the greatest love of all, according to Whitney Houston). 

Most of my blog titles will probably be song titles. I've written other blogs, and tried to write my own titles, but quite frankly I usually devolve to song titles. Music is a constant in my life, and so when I think of titles I think of songs that are applicable. Not all of them will be song titles, but an overwhelming majority will. And if we want to be all cutesy, this blog is called "my own heartsong" so there already is a slight music theme.

I'm not going to give out any personal information. Again, this probably calls into question why I even created this diary, but I am more a computer person than a write-in-a-journal person. I suppose I could write it in a word document...but, anyway, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. There are other blogs that don't give out personal information. I am not the first, nor the last. In fact, I'm so intent on keeping my identity a secret that I may change my writing style from time to time, just to throw off the scent. I suppose that makes me sound paranoid, but so be it. I am old enough to vote, but too young for AARP. I'm basically just your average adult struggling through this world. 

As my about me says, I am fighting for my life. I think that fighting may not be the correct word, because sometimes I don't want to fight. Most days I don't want to. So much of me wants to give up, but there is a stronger part of me keeping me on this planet for some reason. And as much as I wish to die, to be done with it, I must keep going. God has not put me in the path of any wayward buses or boarded me on any faulty planes, so there must be a reason I am still on this earth despite a strong wish for death. And with that tiny shred of hope, I fight on.