I've longed for you, and I have desired to see your face, your smile

A little while ago I read a comment on a blog, or maybe it was a blog entry. Either way, a woman mentioned that every night she prayed for her future husband to have a good day. When they ultimately met, she asked him if he'd had a lot of good days, because she'd prayed for them.

I like that idea. Partially because I believe that what we believe in, that our future spouses are out there somewhere, that it shows a steady confidence that marriage will happen. I have spent many years believing that marriage just was not in the cards for me, because of a number of issues. But I really do believe that if I just have faith that a husband will come along, and that he is out there somewhere but the right time has not come for us to meet each other, than the universe will allow that to happen. If I think negative thoughts, and believe that I will never get married, then I won't. Self-fulfilling prophesy, I suppose.

This comes from seeing Twilight tonight. What Bella and Edward have - on screen, and in the books - even if it's not a true representation of love, or even if it doesn't happen to most people, I still want it. I want to be excited about someone again, to get excited just to see their face and smell their smell and watch them smile.

I have faith, or at least I try to, that I will someday have an amazing love. Tucked somewhere deep inside of me is the belief that I will one day meet him, the one, my future husband, and I will know exactly why God put me through years of heartache. I know I'm a very, very lucky person, and I know that I am lucky enough to one day have a good love.

The hardest part, though, is believing I can love. I haven't loved well in the past, but I need to have faith that those years are behind me, and that I will improve, and that I am capable of giving a husband and children the love they deserve.

For now, though, I will just work on believing in myself and strengthening my ability to give love. And I hope that my future husband, wherever he is, had a good day today.