Light on the horizon

Life has been emotionally challenging in the past month. As a result I have spent entirely too much time in my apartment, unable to summon the energy to do something with my day.

Tonight I decided that's that. If I'm going to get out of this funk I've got to do it myself. I cannot wait for things to get better for my mood to improve. Mainly because it could extend a very long time. And each day I feel bits of myself slipping away.

So I'm reclaiming my life. Tomorrow I'm going to do something with my day, and I'm going to enjoy it. The same thing goes for the next day, and the day after that.

Sometime along the course of nine weeks of unemployment I think I lost myself. Not completely, and I'm sure saying that makes me sound exceptionally melodramatic, but I think I did. I lost the part of myself that hoped and dreamed and believed that things would work out, believed in myself. But I'm going to find her. I simply cannot live this way anymore. Enough is enough.

Fall Longing

picture via google images

For some reason I have a strange hankering for fall. It's not because of July heat, this year has been surprisingly mild considering I live in an area legendary for it's humidity. And by mild I mean it's just wow-it's-hot-outside, not it's-so-hot-if-i-don't-get-to-air-conditioning-soon-i-will-die. (aside: i think the latter phrase is in passive voice, but somehow i made it through 16 years of schooling without fully grasping the concept of passive voice).

I digress. The point is I am longing for fall. I am longing for that first snap of cold in the air, for changing leaves, for the vague smell of burning wood. I crave football games, halloween, perfectly ripe apples and fat pumpkins.

Fall has always meant new beginnings for me more than January 1. Fall means school starts. Fall means new clothes, new school supplies, new transitions like going to high school for the first time and college for the first time. It also constitutes the very best time of the school year, a time when I have fallen in love with my classes but not had any real assignments due yet.

Some of my best memories land in fall. Meeting new friends and teachers, witnessing the end of another hot summer, celebrating harvest holidays and attending football games. Oh, the football games. My otherwise mediocre high school experience was punctuated by the white-hot thrill of football games. While most of my friends were wondering aloud if we could go home at halftime, I was over the moon about the crowds and the game and the fact boys look so darn cute in uniforms. My heart still flutters just thinking about those games.

I was lucky to have a semi-rural upbringing. There were always plenty of hayrides and corn mazes, and the deep forests that surrounded my town were doused in the prettiest oranges and yellows.

Maybe what I love about fall is the predictability. Fall always meant the same thing: another school year. Aside from minor details, they largely played out the same. This upcoming fall will be the first fall where I do not have any more school. And my heart hurts. I don't long for fall as much as I long for the predictability. They say children thrive on routine, and I cannot agree more. Even though I am far from childhood, I still wish for routine. But don't we all, no matter how old or young we are?

I'm sure I will feel the same when I get to January and don't have to start another semester, and May when I don't have the deliciously lazy summer laid out in front of me.

But there is beauty in longing. In not knowing what comes next. Because for better or worse, I get to create my routines from here on out. Life is a blank canvas. Our only real jobs is to live this beautiful god-given life to the fullest. It may be endlessly scary, but oh, it is beautiful.

Or maybe there is no deeper psychological meaning. Maybe I just like fall. And maybe I am just another person knee-deep in summer wishing for a little cold and a little color.

For now, I wait, and feel lucky for the memories I have collected in the first quarter of this little life.

I'm going home.

The first thing I'm going to do (after saying hi to the family, of course) is get chicken noodle soup in a bread bowl from panera. YUM

Then I'm going to go to the store and buy succulent watermelon from the grocery store. We have watermelon in the grocery store here, but city watermelon is never quite as fresh as country watermelon. (Even if it is the same chain of grocery stores)

I think my favorite thing about going home is the endless food possibilities. That and waking up in the morning and coming down stairs to another living, breathing human being. Living alone is NOT all it's cracked up to be. trust me

Then I'm going to check out my Dad's vast book collection while snuggling with the family cat.

Then I guess I'll think about unpacking the array of goods I have collected from one whole (calendar) year in the same sweet apartment.

p.s. I totally fell in love with a cute blue-eyed boy on the train today. I even went so far as thinking about how we'd meet every day at the train station after work and then go make dinner together or something equally cute. I think life in my head is a lot more romantic than real life, but I refuse to give up hope.

You're Gonna Miss This

The title of this post is what I have to keep reminding myself. I am in a rush to start my life, to move on to the next step. I am limited at the moment, but I want action. I want a new apartment and a new boyfriend and a new baby (not all at once, of course) but for now I have to be content to be alone.

Because one day life is going to be crazy, and I am going to look back and wish for the days when I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I am insanely lucky, even if it is insanely hard to see sometimes.

life is beautiful

Lately I feel like I'm spinning. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. The world seems a little crazy, and I feel a little nauseous.

Even when I'm in pain, or scared, or stressed, I keep reminding myself of the gifts I have. I have abundant free time. I have no schedule. I can openly explore the world (well, at least my little section of it) without worrying about deadlines or schedules or the million other things that have sat in the back of my mind for the past several years of my life. I get to see the sunrise in my window every morning. I get to spend time with my dear friends.

Of course, these opportunities also yield time-wasting. When you have all the time in the world to do something, it's hard to not take the time for granted. Many afternoons I realize I have spent several hours flipping through the same old television stations.

So I am resolving to get up and move. Every day, I want to do something new. Explore something, create something, enjoy something.

I need to make the best of the gifts that come with the ebbs and flows of my life.

To enjoy the very fact I get to spin.

Worry

Tonight I'm up late thinking.

Thinking about things that have happened. I just watched a music video on TV that featured a couple in love. Memories flooded back, of times when I felt so much and expressed so little. I think of boys I used to date, remembering all those nights I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear as I lay next to them. I would give anything to have those moments back. To touch them and kiss them and attempt to open my heart enough so they could see the overflowing emotions locked inside my soul. I want to smile more and hold their hand more and just...more.

During those moments I could never be content to enjoy the beauty of love. Instead, I would be worried. Worried about what it meant. Worried about what it didn't mean. Worried about showing myself too much and being rejected. Worried that he was using me in some way or another. Worried about so much more than I can fully illustrate in a blog entry.

Alas, I cannot go back in time. But the thoughts are making me realize that I must live life to the fullest. As cliche as the expression is, all I can do is throw myself wildly into every moment. Because worrying is largely useless. And because I truly believe that one of the chief things other people deserve is ourselves; fully, happily, lovingly.

It's hard for me to not get caught up in the worries. They are plentiful, especially right now. But just like all those days and nights of my youth, I will look back fondly on these days. And I won't remember what happened or why it happened or why I was so worried, but I will remember the simple things. The feel of a boy's skin on my fingertips. The lazy days of early summer. Giggling over lunch with my friends. Making ridiculous poses for a camera. These sweet, little moments that will become bright spots on my memory often fall by the wayside in the muck of stress and worry for the future.

Worry has a place in life. In some ways it is what makes us move forward in an organized fashion. It is, sometimes, what allows things to get done. But by and large, all worrying does is cloud my emotions. And that is entirely useless. Besides, God has a plan for me, a plan I don't need to understand.

Instead of worrying, I want to enjoy. I want to enjoy the sticky hot late-spring days, laughing with my family, appreciating the wealth of blessings I have been given. Because at the end of the day, it's what matters most.

I don't want to lose sight of things as they are happening anymore. I want to live fully, to enjoy every breath, to laugh more, to kiss more, to just love more.

My favorite bible quote.

I have a page-a-day bible calendar. I love it, each passage is inspiring and seems to apply to my day. It gets me through, especially since each passage is accompanied by an absolutely beautiful photograph.

I ripped off today's page in preparation for tomorrow, and lo and behold, my favorite quote!

"Dear children, let us love, not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

Life is so, so short. I constantly need reminder to love in action rather than in words. Because actions, they speak louder than words.

There ain't no place here on this earth I'd rather be, why would I leave?*

Oh boy, how do y'all keep up this blogging thing? I can't think of new things to write half the time. Maybe I should start making a list of topics.

I graduate in approximately two weeks, without any real concrete plans for the future except that I want to stay in the city I'm in. Sometimes I think about moving to a new place, seeing a different part of the world. I would love to move to a place that looks something like this:

I took these pictures on my spring break roadtrip from Salt Lake City to Los Angeles. I *think* they are all from when we were still driving through Utah. The last might be California or Nevada.

The top one is, I think, Emigration Canyon. The cleft in the mountains from where my ancestors came across the nation and settled. Being in Utah always makes me wish I could go back in time to when this land was new and flat. I can only imagine what it must have been like to look across the wide expanse of the valley onto all this gorgeous, untouched land. No wonder they decided that it was the place. It looks like God's country out there. Like he individually crafted every peak and placed every tree for maximum beauty. It's still beautiful today, but the buildings diminish it a bit. Still beautiful though.

Anyway, I would love to move there someday. But for now, my life is in this city. I love this city. I want to grow old and raise my babies in the suburbs of this city. I want to take my children camping up in the hills and go on romantic dates with my husband to the opera. There is, quite literally, no place I'd rather be. So why would I leave?

*Song by Ashley Monroe

i love this quote

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." - Romans 8:26

Sometimes it's hard to see that our prayers are answered, because they aren't always answered how we want them to be. But I think there are blessing aplenty in everyone's life.

Sweet Spring Saturday

Picture that entire grassy expanse full of people, food sellers, and tents set up for a variety of purposes, most of them educational in nature. My University was hosting an event called [State] Day (I'm omitting what school I go to, but a few sleuths will probably figure it out anyway with this picture I posted).

The event was a blast! Hot dogs, Sno Cones, making homemade Gak, cool giveaways, it couldn't have been better. I spent the rest of the day shopping with a dear friend, and some mexican dinner. After we parted ways in the oppressive heat, I went on an errand and a thunderstorm came in! The cool air and heavy smell made my night ever so lovely.

Wait it out. No, seriously, wait it out.

I went to a workout class for the first time in months, possibly years. After my last attempt at a workout class, I went through a running phase, but I think I like classes better because you are forced to work for an hour or so rather than giving up after twenty minutes because your lungs are screaming at you and there's no one around to tell you to keep going.

The workout class was a step class. Seemed easy enough, I'm in reasonable shape, and the step box didn't seem so intimidating. I was fine for the first fifteen or twenty minutes, even enjoying it. The steps were hard, but I figured them out soon enough.

Then we got to about twenty-five minutes.

My heart was pounding. Sweat accumulating. Every inch of my body begged, pleaded for me to stop. I seriously considered walking out, but with twenty other people there including two friends, I knew I needed to keep going. A brief reprieve at the half-time mark allowed me a trip to the water fountain, refreshing my body and spirit. But it wasn't so far into the second half when I was pushing myself again, as the steps got harder and my knees started to ache from overwork.

And then it happened.

I got to that place. Runner's high, they call it. Maybe it was the right song coming through the stereo system, or the promise of finishing in less than one-quarter hour, but something clicked over. I began to enjoy the steps, I began to want more. Another part of my mind drifted to happy thoughts. I was in the zone. Sure, my body still ached, and I still wanted to be finished, but my endorphins were running high. I thought about all the happy moments of the day and the week and my life. I thought about the happy moments of my future. With my energy level high, I got to thinking about plans I wanted to make and I feel like I was reinfused with a desire for better things, something I've been lacking in the past week or so of virtually sleepless nights.

I'm already planning on next week's class, and a few more classes in between.

I think I'm going to like this working out thing after all.

I'm a winner!

I won my first ebay auction today.

!

I've been trying to win an auction for weeks. I recently realized that you can get cheap yet cute jewelry on ebay for a much better price than they sell them in the stores. However, bidding is like a full-time job. Especially when auctions run several days and you happen to be the owner of a particularly impatient brain.

I began to look bleakly at this whole online auction business. Too much for me, I said. I'll just have to settle for the over-priced instant gratification of store bought jewelry.

And then I won something!

Sometimes life is good. Really good.

Life in slow motion

Last week I said I was going to start all my blog entries with lyrics and then I wrote like 5 entries in a row with nary a one lyric. Silly me.

My mind works in music videos. As in, when I think about the future or the past it's usually some poetic 4-minute vignette that fits with whatever song is on my ipod. Sometimes I listen to songs over and over until I've edited and directed and clipped all the thoughts into an organized verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus pattern that fits the lyrics. I think it's my own rudimentary form of self-therapy, because I get a little cranky when I go too long without having time to zone out on my ipod. It's not even my own thoughts I do this to; I do the same thing when people tell me their life stories, or something I'm learning about in my umpteen history courses, or a movie I saw or a book I read (yes, I was overjoyed when YouTube came out and I could look at fan-made videos to my heart's content, and no, I've never made one. I'm not good with fancy technology).

Nothing makes me happier than music that fits my life/someone else's life/a fictitious life.

There are only a few songs that can blanketly cover a variety of situations. One of them is the title of this entry. "Slow Motion" by David Gray. They (ironically) only had homemade/fanmade videos of this song on YouTube, but check this version out:

Now, if only these songs magically played in the background at life's most heartfelt moments. I feel like life would be a lot easier to deal with if it was accompanied by perfectly chosen music.

Grace in Small Things: 4 of 365

1. Conversations with people that are as passionate as you are about a particular topic.

2. Getting to dress up for interviews. It knocks the edge off the nervousness. Somewhat.

3. Care packages.

4. High heels.

5. Walking in the rain, with an umbrella of course.

crafty sunday

after a handful of warm days we had rain. rain rain rain. but the good thing was, we also did crafts! i made this totally rad box:

I don't know what I'm going to do with said box, but I just think it's totally adorable. Maybe I should start a box-making business.

I also experimented with some lip color:

Ignore the fact it's a bit rough around the edges. I still think it's a pretty lil color. It makes me feel classy and timeless.

All in all a pretty sweet weekend!!

Deoxyribonucleic acid

"When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses." -Joyce Brothers

I take after my grandmother in a lot of ways. We both have the same color blue eyes, we're both short, we both laugh at inappropriate times, we're both quiet and feel awkward sometimes, we both love God, we both love this guy:

swoon-worthy Frank Sinatra

I've known my whole life that I want a life just like hers. A young marriage, a big family, forty-five years in the same home. A strong conviction and a place where children always feel loved. I feel so blessed to have her in my life as an example for what I want and how to be. Maybe I'll never be exactly like her, and in many ways I will gladly be my own person, but it feels good to have an unwavering knowledge of how I want my life to play out.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my faults. There are days when nothing I do is right and I can't quite figure out what I'm doing here on earth. But then I remember that I've got coded in my DNA the spirit of my grandmother and hundreds of generations of women that didn't always feel like everything was right but did the best they could. What weaves us together are a series of inherited traits and characteristics that make us beautiful in the eyes of God. And even if I have a million and one faults, I've got inherited, innate goodness. And for that I am worthy. It is my God-given gift to carry on these traits and spread the gifts in my soul as far and wide as I can. Hopefully, one day God will send me my own babies and I will rock them to sleep and whisper in their ears how lucky they are to carry in their blood and hearts the legacy of their ancestors.

Love

Sometimes I see married couples, or couples in long term relationships, and I wonder,

How do they know how to act? How do they know how to act in private and how to act in public? Was it something learned when they were thirteen or fourteen, when a boy wouldn't look at me with anything other than disinterest or disdain? Is it something you read about in a book? Will I ever feel comfortable in a relationship?

Tonight it occurred to me that I have nothing to be afraid of. Because I think that nobody really knows what they are doing. We operate on love, just as we operate on crimson-red blood. Love is pumping through our brains and our hearts and our spirits. It is the one thing we are equipped with by God. Sure, some of it is learned, but it's mostly just there.

And I think that when you do fall in love, your body falls in step. You dance a dance you've never danced before, executing almost all of the steps with ease and grace. That's not to say we don't fail, but we do the best we can, and I think that in and of itself is graceful. You just know.

spring has sprung!

This picture is pretty much what it looked like outside today. After two days of solid rain, the sun came out to vast patches of the brightest, lushest green grass you've ever seen. To top it off, the sky was the most beautiful shade of blue, not a cloud in sight. These are the days they write songs about.

Walking back from class I passed a patch of purple wildflowers over a patch of green grass, and the natural colors looked so beautiful together against the backdrop of the woods. There is nothing more beautiful than the blooming of a new season.

Spring has sprung, and so has my soul.

*image from google images.

Grace in Small Things: 3 of 365

I won't be doing this every other post. I just like it lately.

Anyway, here goes:

1. A gorgeous new graduation dress from Anthropologie

2. Missing the worst of the rainstorm

3. Getting to go to my favorite smoothie place!

4. Feeling pretty for the first time in a while

5. Fun weekend plans to look forward to!