What to say?

I haven't written much this month. I am at an impasse with where to go with this journal. I don't have any readers, but I want more. For some reason most of the blogs I happen upon are married mothers, which I am not. I am not even seeing anyone, for crying out loud.

However, every time I read blogs I itch to write. I have had the writing itch since I was eight years old. Maybe this blog isn't about readership, but about my own love of writing, however the form. This happens to be the easiest with my somewhat hectic college lifestyle. I need to stop living in fear of someone I know reading this. I just need to write.

Come to think of it, I have been thinking of a lot of things I need to do lately, but I never seem to get around to doing them. Tonight, I am resolving to do the things I need to do.

Mountains.

This is what my Spring Break looked like. What did yours look like?

songs = my life

Okay y'all, I am absolutely obsessed with "What Heaven Sees in You" by Mindy Gledhill. It makes me get choked up every time I hear it. Every time.

there are a couple of lines in the song that really speak to me:

child of great worth, child of promise, daughter of the divine

I think it's easy, especially at great times of transition in life, to forget your own worth. You get swallowed up in all the fears and insecurities. But this lyric reminds me that there is so much promise and love in my life, and that I will be okay.

and the father looked down, and the angels surrounded that place

they knew the truth, all that you could do

Certain experiences in my life have made me wonder if anyone was really happy when I was born. Well someone was: God. For a girl that never got the feeling that anyone cared, it's incredibly powerful to know that someone loves me, that someone is watching out for me, that someone was so happy that I was born.

and you will too, if you have eyes to see what heaven sees in you

Like any young adult, I wonder why I'm here, what my purpose is. I constantly get caught up in comparisons and feel I don't measure up. But I do have worth, because everyone on this earth has worth. I just need to see...well, what heaven sees in me. I wouldn't still be around if there wasn't a reason, if God didn't have a plan for me. I just need to trust him.

do you understand who you are?

part of the father lives in you

and if you continue on this path

every promise God has given will come true

This also relates back to my lack of feeling any worth for myself. But I am a person with a soul and a heart and I am part of the fabric of humanity, and I was created in God's image, as we all were. I constantly think I'm not important, because it's easy to feel small in such a big world, but I am important. God lives in me, and has a plan for my life. The idea that I'm not just here for me, but to do God's work, makes me feel good. I personally do not believe that God's work is just preaching or missionary work, but also being a good person and showing love and living each day in a way that you can be proud of.

In a nutshell, this song makes me feel like a whole person again. And it's exactly what I need right now.

Love Month, Day 28: Love is...

Okay. So we all know the whole "love is patient, love is kind..." bible verse. But what else is love?

Love is smiling when you don't feel like smiling but because the other person deserves a smile. Love is giving away the last piece of your favorite dessert. Love is taking the time to make yourself happy. Love is being willing to die so another person can live. Love is inside every one of us. Love is what keeps our faith alive, despite the most tragic of circumstances. Love is buying a spontaneous gift because you know it'll make the person smile. Love is opening up the gates inside of ourselves and letting someone else in. Love is knowing someone's flaws and loving them anyway. Love is knowing you can tell someone anything and they won't judge you. Love is a smile in a crowded room. Love is following your heart, no matter what. Love is those chance moments that work in our favor. Love is doing something when you aren't asked. Love is more important than anything. Love is honoring the memory of a lost loved one. Love is not fear. Love is laughter. Love is a blinding blue sky. Love is the pure smile of a baby. Love is letting people know how you feel. Love is saying you're sorry even if you aren't. 

Love is, quite literally, all around.

Love Month, Day 27: Remember?

Only one more day left in the month. I don't think I'll have a theme next month. Some days I didn't feel like writing about one particular topic.

Music plays a very big role in my life. I have a song for virtually every moment in my life. Walking to class with my ipod in, I fit memories to songs I listen to. In this respect I think I was meant to be a film director. Or maybe a music video creator. I would make one heck of a montage.

One song that has particular importance to me is "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. It's a song about a couple's life together. I like to play videos in my mind of my grandparent's marriage, and my parent's, even though I wasn't there for 90% of the scenes I think about. So I guess it's more romantic than fact. 

I also think about it in terms of one particular boy that is now gone from my life. Two-thirds of the lyrics don't apply, but I really just get stuck on the line "remember when?" He was there through some of the most painful times in my life. We had a very Noah-and-Allie from the Notebook relationship. We probably fought as much as we got along, but there's a certain beauty in fighting. Because fighting brings up such emotion. And because most of our fights were because we were too much alike. There were times when I thought I'd marry him, because we fit so seamlessly into each other's lives. It was the first time loving someone felt as natural as breathing. I don't know that I loved him in the traditional sense, but that previous sentence doesn't carry the same weight if I said "liking him felt as natural as breathing".

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is, he had a significant role in my life. There was pain, but there was a lot of joy. 

Sometimes I think about seeing him on the street in twenty years. He'd have his own life, and I'd have mine, and we'd both be happy with where we were. I would sincerely smile at him and laugh, saying, "Remember when?"

Love Month, Day 26: Young Love

"when we ran like wild horses through the night, sticking to the backroads and staying out of sight, making the most out of what little time we had left, how sweet it is, how sweet it was, young love" - Carter's Chord

As I grow older, I look back with more and more sentiment about my younger years. I wouldn't want to go back and relive them, but there were so many sweet memories that were so scary at the time...sneaking out of the house...driving with the headlights off...sneaking kisses in that park behind the woods. I remember when everything felt so new and exhilarating.

While first times cannot be redone, but I hope I can hold onto that feeling the older I get. You know the feeling, the one that came after all those scary moments, when your heart starts fluttering and you can't believe you are lucky enough to be alone with this boy. 

I'm an impasse between that teenage excitement and the more adult relationships and possible (hopeful!) marriage in my future. I was lucky back then, the experiences I got. I really do feel like a lucky person. I believe--or at least I have faith--that that luck will continue throughout my life.

Love Month, Day 25: Sing it, Otis

I am madly, crazily in love with Otis Redding. A few months after my love affair developed, I discovered he died in 1967 at the age of 26. Plane crash. 

I cried. 

Anyway. It's music like his that make me want to slow dance with someone. My husband better like Otis Redding, because we will be slow-dancing in the kitchen after dinner many a night. In that same kitchen, I want to teach my sons to slow dance. I want them to remember the smell of dish soap and my perfume when they dance with their daughters in their own kitchens.

(I have an overactive imagination.)

I want to hold on to these little things that are important to me. I want to remember to dance. I know my dreams will happen someday, in some shape. I just know in about 5 years I'm going to be slow dancing in a kitchen with the man of my dreams, and I'm going to cry. Because when my dreams come true, my heart right done explodes in my chest. 

These aren't big dreams, but most of my dreams aren't. My biggest dreams are wrapped up in tiny moments. I want to dance in the kitchen. I want to sing lullabies. I want the most simple and yet sublime life imaginable. I want barbecues in the summer and boisterous Christmas mornings. I want to cook my husband dinner every night, not because it's the woman's job but because I want to. I don't want stardom or wild success or a million friends. I just want a quiet little life in a quiet little town filled with quiet little moments that make me cry. I want to be happy with whatever comes my way.

I sincerely believe my dreams are going to come true. Because really, what other option is there other than wholeheartedly believing in your dreams?