Light on the horizon

Life has been emotionally challenging in the past month. As a result I have spent entirely too much time in my apartment, unable to summon the energy to do something with my day.

Tonight I decided that's that. If I'm going to get out of this funk I've got to do it myself. I cannot wait for things to get better for my mood to improve. Mainly because it could extend a very long time. And each day I feel bits of myself slipping away.

So I'm reclaiming my life. Tomorrow I'm going to do something with my day, and I'm going to enjoy it. The same thing goes for the next day, and the day after that.

Sometime along the course of nine weeks of unemployment I think I lost myself. Not completely, and I'm sure saying that makes me sound exceptionally melodramatic, but I think I did. I lost the part of myself that hoped and dreamed and believed that things would work out, believed in myself. But I'm going to find her. I simply cannot live this way anymore. Enough is enough.

Fall Longing

picture via google images

For some reason I have a strange hankering for fall. It's not because of July heat, this year has been surprisingly mild considering I live in an area legendary for it's humidity. And by mild I mean it's just wow-it's-hot-outside, not it's-so-hot-if-i-don't-get-to-air-conditioning-soon-i-will-die. (aside: i think the latter phrase is in passive voice, but somehow i made it through 16 years of schooling without fully grasping the concept of passive voice).

I digress. The point is I am longing for fall. I am longing for that first snap of cold in the air, for changing leaves, for the vague smell of burning wood. I crave football games, halloween, perfectly ripe apples and fat pumpkins.

Fall has always meant new beginnings for me more than January 1. Fall means school starts. Fall means new clothes, new school supplies, new transitions like going to high school for the first time and college for the first time. It also constitutes the very best time of the school year, a time when I have fallen in love with my classes but not had any real assignments due yet.

Some of my best memories land in fall. Meeting new friends and teachers, witnessing the end of another hot summer, celebrating harvest holidays and attending football games. Oh, the football games. My otherwise mediocre high school experience was punctuated by the white-hot thrill of football games. While most of my friends were wondering aloud if we could go home at halftime, I was over the moon about the crowds and the game and the fact boys look so darn cute in uniforms. My heart still flutters just thinking about those games.

I was lucky to have a semi-rural upbringing. There were always plenty of hayrides and corn mazes, and the deep forests that surrounded my town were doused in the prettiest oranges and yellows.

Maybe what I love about fall is the predictability. Fall always meant the same thing: another school year. Aside from minor details, they largely played out the same. This upcoming fall will be the first fall where I do not have any more school. And my heart hurts. I don't long for fall as much as I long for the predictability. They say children thrive on routine, and I cannot agree more. Even though I am far from childhood, I still wish for routine. But don't we all, no matter how old or young we are?

I'm sure I will feel the same when I get to January and don't have to start another semester, and May when I don't have the deliciously lazy summer laid out in front of me.

But there is beauty in longing. In not knowing what comes next. Because for better or worse, I get to create my routines from here on out. Life is a blank canvas. Our only real jobs is to live this beautiful god-given life to the fullest. It may be endlessly scary, but oh, it is beautiful.

Or maybe there is no deeper psychological meaning. Maybe I just like fall. And maybe I am just another person knee-deep in summer wishing for a little cold and a little color.

For now, I wait, and feel lucky for the memories I have collected in the first quarter of this little life.

I'm going home.

The first thing I'm going to do (after saying hi to the family, of course) is get chicken noodle soup in a bread bowl from panera. YUM

Then I'm going to go to the store and buy succulent watermelon from the grocery store. We have watermelon in the grocery store here, but city watermelon is never quite as fresh as country watermelon. (Even if it is the same chain of grocery stores)

I think my favorite thing about going home is the endless food possibilities. That and waking up in the morning and coming down stairs to another living, breathing human being. Living alone is NOT all it's cracked up to be. trust me

Then I'm going to check out my Dad's vast book collection while snuggling with the family cat.

Then I guess I'll think about unpacking the array of goods I have collected from one whole (calendar) year in the same sweet apartment.

p.s. I totally fell in love with a cute blue-eyed boy on the train today. I even went so far as thinking about how we'd meet every day at the train station after work and then go make dinner together or something equally cute. I think life in my head is a lot more romantic than real life, but I refuse to give up hope.

You're Gonna Miss This

The title of this post is what I have to keep reminding myself. I am in a rush to start my life, to move on to the next step. I am limited at the moment, but I want action. I want a new apartment and a new boyfriend and a new baby (not all at once, of course) but for now I have to be content to be alone.

Because one day life is going to be crazy, and I am going to look back and wish for the days when I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

I am insanely lucky, even if it is insanely hard to see sometimes.

life is beautiful

Lately I feel like I'm spinning. I don't know where I am, or where I'm going. The world seems a little crazy, and I feel a little nauseous.

Even when I'm in pain, or scared, or stressed, I keep reminding myself of the gifts I have. I have abundant free time. I have no schedule. I can openly explore the world (well, at least my little section of it) without worrying about deadlines or schedules or the million other things that have sat in the back of my mind for the past several years of my life. I get to see the sunrise in my window every morning. I get to spend time with my dear friends.

Of course, these opportunities also yield time-wasting. When you have all the time in the world to do something, it's hard to not take the time for granted. Many afternoons I realize I have spent several hours flipping through the same old television stations.

So I am resolving to get up and move. Every day, I want to do something new. Explore something, create something, enjoy something.

I need to make the best of the gifts that come with the ebbs and flows of my life.

To enjoy the very fact I get to spin.

Worry

Tonight I'm up late thinking.

Thinking about things that have happened. I just watched a music video on TV that featured a couple in love. Memories flooded back, of times when I felt so much and expressed so little. I think of boys I used to date, remembering all those nights I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear as I lay next to them. I would give anything to have those moments back. To touch them and kiss them and attempt to open my heart enough so they could see the overflowing emotions locked inside my soul. I want to smile more and hold their hand more and just...more.

During those moments I could never be content to enjoy the beauty of love. Instead, I would be worried. Worried about what it meant. Worried about what it didn't mean. Worried about showing myself too much and being rejected. Worried that he was using me in some way or another. Worried about so much more than I can fully illustrate in a blog entry.

Alas, I cannot go back in time. But the thoughts are making me realize that I must live life to the fullest. As cliche as the expression is, all I can do is throw myself wildly into every moment. Because worrying is largely useless. And because I truly believe that one of the chief things other people deserve is ourselves; fully, happily, lovingly.

It's hard for me to not get caught up in the worries. They are plentiful, especially right now. But just like all those days and nights of my youth, I will look back fondly on these days. And I won't remember what happened or why it happened or why I was so worried, but I will remember the simple things. The feel of a boy's skin on my fingertips. The lazy days of early summer. Giggling over lunch with my friends. Making ridiculous poses for a camera. These sweet, little moments that will become bright spots on my memory often fall by the wayside in the muck of stress and worry for the future.

Worry has a place in life. In some ways it is what makes us move forward in an organized fashion. It is, sometimes, what allows things to get done. But by and large, all worrying does is cloud my emotions. And that is entirely useless. Besides, God has a plan for me, a plan I don't need to understand.

Instead of worrying, I want to enjoy. I want to enjoy the sticky hot late-spring days, laughing with my family, appreciating the wealth of blessings I have been given. Because at the end of the day, it's what matters most.

I don't want to lose sight of things as they are happening anymore. I want to live fully, to enjoy every breath, to laugh more, to kiss more, to just love more.

My favorite bible quote.

I have a page-a-day bible calendar. I love it, each passage is inspiring and seems to apply to my day. It gets me through, especially since each passage is accompanied by an absolutely beautiful photograph.

I ripped off today's page in preparation for tomorrow, and lo and behold, my favorite quote!

"Dear children, let us love, not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18

Life is so, so short. I constantly need reminder to love in action rather than in words. Because actions, they speak louder than words.